Free A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to My Sexual Orientation by Kage Alan

those flipper things on the top.” Maybe I should just pay more attention to sports.
    "Dolphins,” he said in a tone of smug triumph.
    "Yeah.” I wanted to throttle him. “The Dolphins."
    "What about them?"
    Oh, God. There had to be another point?
    "If you don't know, then perhaps your masculinity should be in question and not mine.” Momma always says “If you can't dazzle ‘em with brilliance, baffle ‘em with bullshit.” And why not? I was the king of it, anyway.
    "Well, aren't you butch?” He retorted condescendingly, and walked away.
    "No, I'm Andy.” I threw up my hands in defeat. “It's not that difficult of a name to remember."
    What was up with this “Butch” thing, now? Had he been talking to Uncle Chester?
    The only thing I knew for sure was that I needed a drink.
    I slipped outside to where everybody else was. At first glance, there looked to be about a hundred people standing or sitting around, and the backyard looked incredible! Actually, if I didn't know it was a backyard, I would have thought it to be the patio of one of the most posh restaurants I could imagine. It was at least a triple lot, and completely surrounded by trees on all three sides, effectively cutting out any view of their neighbors’ yards at all. In the center was a small landscaped waterfall, surrounded by trees as well, that emptied into a tiny pond. Ice sculptures of animals and other artistic designs surrounded the pond and were probably melting into it, which cut down on the mess they would make if they'd been on a table.
    On either side of the sculptures were round tables and then a head table in the middle at the far end. A large banner hung from one end of the yard to the other that read Happy 50th Anniversary Leon and Carma!
    All the food was set up on large buffet tables on the right side of the yard. There were too many people around it to get even a glimpse of what was available, but if the stuff tasted half as good as it smelled, I was in for a real treat. No grilled cheeses and French fries this day!
    I looked around for a place to sit, but most of the tables were filled, and the seats that were empty had glasses in front of the chairs or various articles of clothing folded over them. That was probably just as well since I didn't care to be around people at the moment, not after the experiences with Uncle Chester, Aunt Carma and the waiter from Hell.
    The far left side of the yard had a couple of lounge chairs set up and small tables in between them. It was deserted except for the occasional curious straggler, so that area would suit me just fine.
    Grandma found me before I could safely escape and urgently pulled me aside.
    "I have to talk to you.” She dug her nails into my arm.
    "What?” I asked through clenched teeth. “I haven't done anything yet. What could possibly be so wrong that you have to draw blood?"
    "You see those men over by the far table on the right side of the waterfall?"
    She motioned with her head and let up on the nails. I peered and saw two men who looked to be in their early thirties dressed in dark slacks and light-colored short-sleeve shirts. They appeared to be related, or at least brothers. They didn't look out-of-place, and I began to wonder if I was looking at the right group.
    "Those are your cousins Chad and Richard.” Grandma looked as though she'd bitten into a lemon. “They're the homosexuals.” She started to go back towards the party then turned and pointed a finger at me. “Keep your distance."
    "Go take your Ritalin.” Despite my irritation with her, there wouldn't be too much of a fight from me on that issue, since I planned on keeping my distance from everybody else anyway. All I really wanted now was a drink. It didn't matter if it was Pepsi, 7-Up or a stiff shot of vodka. I just wanted to kick back and relax for a few minutes.
    I noticed a heavyset man in a designer suit with long brown hair standing with a thin elderly woman with blond hair in almost a beehive-style