Free Lizard Tales by Ron Shirley

trek to Raleigh. We started heading out of town with me in the lead andJason on my tail in that old truck. I pulled up to a stop sign on the edge of town when suddenly my door swung open and something got in and shut the door. I wasn’t sure at first who or what it was, but it came together rather quickly. It was what we call a barfly around here—a lady of the night—who, during daylight hours, looked like someone had set her face on fire and put it out with an ice pick. Now, I’m not just saying she was ruined, but I’ve seen boogers on the bathroom stall of the men’s urinal with more appeal. She looked at me and smiled, and I could see both her teeth. “Want to have some fun?” she asked. “For twenty-five dollars I could get you grinning like a shark at a fish fest.”
    Now, I’m not one to ever turn down fun, but I think I’d rather have a knife fight with Freddy Kruger in a phone booth than to hook up with this lady. So I said, “Miss, I know what this looks like, but I’m just an ol’ farmhand. My boss just bought this car and asked me to drive it back to check it out. I ain’t got no money and even less time.”
    She said, “Well, where’s your boss? If he can buy a ’Vette, he’s surely got some extra money to have a good time.”
    Now, being the thoughtful, considerate, caring person I am, and figuring that she was rough enough to gag a maggot on a gut wagon, I said, “Ma’am he’s actually right behind us in my truck, that ol’ beater. What you need to do is just walk back there, get in on the passenger side, lock the door, and go to having that good time.”
    She got out of the ’Vette and slithered back to the old truck, with Jason looking up at me as confused as a turtle on the center stripe. All I could do was break down laughing. I saw the old girl crank in and lock the door, and then she was gone. Next thing I knew Jason was jumping around in that truck like a kangaroo on crack. He burst outthe driver’s door of that truck and started yelling, “Ronnie! What did you tell this girl? What did you tell her?” I could hear him screaming, “Ma’am I don’t need no help—and I’ve had about enough fun for one week!”
    I put that ’Vette in drive and, in the rearview mirror, I could see Jason running away from that girl faster than Superman after ten cups of coffee. For just a brief minute all my pain was gone. I chuckled as I headed up the interstate, thinking,
You always catch more flies with honey than you do with vinegar … if you want to catch flies, that is!

[Useless]
    1. He’s about as much use as a prefab posthole .
    2. I see the screw-up fairy has come to visit again .
    3. You could screw up an anvil with a rubber mallet .
    4. He’s not a complete idiot; he does have some parts missing .
    5. He couldn’t pour piss out of a boot if the instructions were written on the heel .
    6. He’s so useless, if he had a third hand he’d need another back pocket to put it in .
    7. You couldn’t hit a bull’s butt with a bass fiddle .
    8. That boy’s circling the drain .
    9. That boy couldn’t throw a wet blanket .
    10. The best part of him rolled down his momma’s leg .
    11. That boy’s so slow he couldn’t catch a cold .
    12. She’s ’bout as useful as the southern end of a north-bound jackass .
    13. She’s like a Slinky: basically useless, but hours of fun to watch fall down the stairs .
    14. You’re a wingless duck on the water .
    15. She’s got two speeds: slow and broken .
    16. He’s a poster child for birth control .
    17. Some people are only alive ’cause it’s a sin to kill ’em .
    18. If that was my kid, I’d kill ’em and tell God he ran away .
    19. He’s ’bout as useful as chicken crap on a pump handle .
    20. He’s ’bout as handy as a cow on crutches .
    21. He’s as useful as a screen door on a submarine .
    22. He’s as useful as a dog with no legs .
    23. He’s as useless as boobies on a boar .
    24. He’s as useless as a pogo stick in