Free Finding Dell by Kate Dierkes

about Cam, but I wanted to walk over to Natalie, putmy hands on her shoulders, and shove her as hard as I could. The smug, superior way her voice grated when she tried to deliver Zen wisdom but ended up being passive aggressive overshadowed everything else in my mind.
    I held my arm at my side to hide my trembling fist and pulled the sheets down on my bed with a violent yank. I climbed into bed and reached behind my head to grope for my iPod on my desk, shoving the headphones into my ears with unsteady fingers. Natalie resumed typing on her computer, so I turned up the volume loud enough to drown the sound out and clamped my eyes shut. I felt a tear slip from my eye and stain the pillowcase, and even though I hated Natalie at that moment I knew I was most angry with myself.
    Cam’s behavior mirrored Will’s, and I was the one who’d allowed it to happen.
Once there’s a pattern it’s not a coincidence
, I thought. I felt like I was spinning into a lonely panic.
    It was too late to deny that Will broke my heart, but I could avoid it happening again if I didn’t speak to Cam anymore.
I’ll choose loneliness over heartbreak
, I thought,
because being alone can’t be worse than this
. I didn’t feel like a powerful hurricane at all. I felt brittle and weak after Will’s betrayal.
    Through the daytime-bright lights and music that sang the soundtrack of my failed relationship, silent tears fell on my pillowcase until I fell asleep on the mattress stuffed with old photographs.

CHAPTER 9
    A TRAIN RUSHED down the tracks that lined the Pass and sent a cyclone of litter swirling into the street. Twice a day, the train stopped in Bridlemeade after leaving Cincinnati, on its way to Louisville, then Memphis, and finally Baton Rouge.
    Natalie and I were taking the long route home from the bookstore, following the Pass until it curved near Magnolia Banks Lake. Natalie shifted her tote bag to her shoulder and sighed.
    “Why do my animal science textbooks have to be so expensive?” she complained. “I’ve been thinking I’m really interested in equine therapy. Seneca doesn’t offer any classes on it, but I could get involved if I worked on a ranch that has a program after I graduate.”
    Natalie was engrossed in the idea of a program that treated emotionally disturbed children by engaging them in therapy by riding and tending to horses. She heard about it from one of the seniors at the stable a few days ago and had been romanced by the idea since.
    “Where would you find a program like that?”
    “Oh, probably out west. Montana or maybe Utah.”
    “If you meet someone here at school and you fall in love, would you stay in the Midwest?”
    Natalie sighed. “For the right guy, I would. Midwesterners just have more heart than the guys in San Diego. They’re real, they’re genuine.”
    I frowned as I listened to Natalie. She might appreciate genuine guys, but she had started to morph into an artificial parody of the laid-back California girl she once was. She now favored a heavily made-up look. Maybe it attracted guys like Jesse, but, to me, it screamed of a desperate insecurity that was new to her.
    “Besides, this is horse country,” she continued. “I could see myself living in Louisville or Lexington after I finish an equine therapy program.”
    I sighed. “I’m losing faith in the idea of finding the right guy in college,” I said. “Thought I already found him.” I swallowed hard to bury the lump in my throat.
    “I think you’re looking at this the wrong way,” Natalie said. She pulled the tote bag off her shoulder and held it in front of her chest with both hands to relieve the burden on her neck. “Think about Alex for a minute. Yes, he’s outspoken and enthusiastic, but he needs affirmation from others before he believes something. That’s why he’s always trying to make people confirm that they’re friends with him. He hides it by being assertive, but really he’s insecure.”
    “Are you sure