Free Boys for Beginners by Lil Chase Page A

am, I’ve basically created an online forum about naked men, and my dad has sneaked up behind me.
    â€˜What are you doing?’ he asks.
    â€˜Nothing. Just talking to my friends.’
    â€˜Why has someone just written the words “takin off ur bra”?’
    â€˜It’s just my friends being stupid.’ They must be running through the
how far would you go with Charlie Notts
conversation.
    â€˜These friends are not older men, are they? You haven’t arranged to meet any strangers, have you?’
    â€˜No, Dad.’ Parents always think their children are so stupid. I cover the screen with my hand. ‘Do you want something?’
    â€˜We’re going to get your football boots, aren’t we? I’m ready when you are.’
    Errr
.
    â€˜We can get some lunch too, if you like.’
    My dad is being so nice and it’s making me want to be nice back. But I don’t need boots any more, and I
do
need clothes.
    â€˜Actually, Dad . . . I don’t think I want those Nike Mercurial Vapor VFGs made from Teijin synthetic leather that adjusts to the contours of your foot.’
    Dad looks really confused. ‘What do you mean, Gwynnie?’
    I stare at the floor and mumble, ‘I want to spend the money on something else.’
    â€˜What do you want to spend the money on, Gwyndoe?’ My dad looks really worried, and for a second I think it would be funny to say,
A boob job
. Which actually might be an idea.
    â€˜Um, I think I want to buy some new clothes.’ I don’t know why I feel bad when I say this, but I do.
    â€˜What do you need?’
    â€˜Umm . . .’ I don’t know how to tell him.
    â€˜Do you want to buy a – erm – bra thing?’ My poor dad. If we have to have another embarrassing girl conversation I think he might combust. ‘I’ve heard that Marks & Spencer is a good place—’
    â€˜No!’ I’ve got to stop him before he says the words
cup size
. For both our sakes. ‘No. I want to spend it on clothes . . . at Primark . . . with my friends.’
    â€˜Oh, OK. No problem.’ Dad looks crushed. He takes out his wallet and hands me a wodge of notes that is more money than I have ever held in my entire life. ‘Of course you don’t want to go shopping with your old dad.’ He is trying to not sound sad, but he’s not doing a very good job.
    â€˜Sorry, Dad.’
    â€˜No, no. You go and meet your friends and have fun. It’s your birthday treat. I’ve got things I need to get done today anyway.’
    â€˜Thanks so much, Dad.’ My dad is officially the best dad ever.
    So I am about to go shopping with girlie girls. I have no idea what to expect.

Chapter 13
    Shopping is the most exhausting sport in the world. It tests strength, stamina, endurance and even mental agility as some of the clothes require a PhD in mechanics to work out how to do them up.
    â€˜Gwynnie, you just have to try this.’
    â€˜Gee, you’ll look so good in this.’
    â€˜Try this one on in a 10 and an 8 and see which is better.’
    â€˜This would
so
go with that goooorgeous little thing over there. You just have to try them together.’
    They pile stuff into my arms and it’s heavier than a thirteen-year-old boy. I know that because we once did an experiment to see if I could pick up Paul. This hurts worse than that as I have to hold the clothes as we do multiple circuits round the shop.
    â€˜Try this.’ Jenny puts a flowery shirt on top of the pile. ‘The pattern’s not very nice, but just try it.’
    â€˜Errr, why am I trying it if it’s not very nice?’
    They stop in their tracks and look at me like I’m insane.
    â€˜Because things sometimes look different once they’re on,’ Melissa tells me. ‘Haven’t you ever been shopping before?’
    Thinking about it, I’d have to say,
Not really
. Whenever I’ve needed a new