Free Who Moved My Blackberry? by Lucy Kellaway

belief. I prepared some unbeatable ideas. I positioned myself perfectly—and did I get my dream?? No, I got fuck all, if you’ll pardon my French. What this proves is that to get anywhere in this place you must either be a box ticker, or a woman. A man who can think outside the box is going to lose out over and over again. I am so hacked off. I’m getting in touch with the headhunters today—I’m leaving this company, and frankly, I think I can do that without your help.
    Rgds
    Martin
    From: Pandora@CoachworX!
    To: Martin Lukes
    Hi Martin!
    Thank you for sharing that with me. Even negative thoughts are better shared. What you are going through now is a natural part of the SARAH cycle. When you have difficult news you feel Shock, Anger, Resentment, Acceptance and Hope. I am here to get you into the second part of the cycle as soon as possible.
    I think you’re forgetting your mantra—NO FAILURE ONLY FEEDBACK. Say it after me.
    One learning I’ve taken out of this is that you don’t like yourself enough. People who like themselves are lighthearted and optimistic. They have magnetic personalities. Do you like you? Are you genuinely grateful to be you?
    Strive and thrive!
    Pandora
    From: Martin Lukes
    To: Pandora@CoachworX!
    Of course I bloody like me. That’s not the issue. The problem is that no one bloody else seems to. You ask if I’m grateful to be me. With the greatest respect, Pandora, that’s about the stupidest thing anyone has ever asked me. I’ve just been stitched up. I feel that whatever I do goes pear shaped. So am I grateful to be me?? No, surprise, surprise, I’m not at all grateful. And why the fuck should I be??
    Frankly, I don’t want to go on with this coaching program. My faith in you, and in your entire philosophy, is zilch. You said that I could get this job, and like a complete idiot I believed you.
    Please send your closing account to Roger Wright—my new sodding boss.
    Rgds
    Martin

4
APRIL
My Negative Energy
APRIL 1
    From: Martin Lukes
    To: Stewart@harleystreetclinic
    Dear Dr. Stewart,
    Over the past few days I have been experiencing the following worrying symptoms: my heart is beating excessively fast, I’ve got low back pain, and am having trouble digesting my food.
    I fear I have bowel cancer. I’ve looked up the condition on the internet and I seem to have ticks in all the boxes—though no bleeding rectum, as yet.
    Can you fit me in for an urgent appointment at your earliest convenience?
    Yours sincerely
    Martin Lukes
    From: Pandora@CoachworX!
    To: Martin Lukes
    Hi Martin!
    How are you today?
    I hope you are rested and are reconnecting with your optimistic, magnetic personality. And that you are ready to start on month four of our program! This month we will be consolidating the learnings from months one to three, and pushing forward towards even greater success and happiness for you!
    Strive and thrive!
    Pandora
    From: Martin Lukes
    To: Pandora@CoachworX!
    Pandora—I think there is some misunderstanding. As far as I am concerned, I terminated this coaching relationship last month. That means that no, I am not ready to start on month four.
    Rgds, Martin
    From: Pandora@CoachworX!
    To: Martin Lukes
    Hi Martin
    It always makes me very sad on the exceedingly rare occasions when coachees fail to complete the Executive Bronze Program. This program has been carefully designed as a holistic package which lasts for 12 months. If you only complete part of it you may actually be in a weaker position than when you started. However, if you do decide to take this backward step, I’d like to refer you to my contract which states that you will be liable to pay the outstanding full year’s fee on termination.
    Pandora
    From: Martin Lukes
    To: Jenny Withers
    Jens—Am feeling worse by the minute. I’ve just googled bowel cancer again and found that one in 18 men in their mid-40s have it—it’s the second biggest