It is present day. Lights up on PAUL and RANDY’s apartment. There is a couch centre stage with a coffee table in front of it. Stage right is a door leading to RANDY’s Bedroom.
PAUL enters and slams the door. He is carrying a human female arm with a piece of metal jutting out from the shoulder joint. The fingernails are painted. He slams the door locks it, puts the arm on the coffee table, and sits on the couch furiously rubbing his face in his hands. He then puts his left hand to his ear and talks into his naked wrist.
PAUL
We’ve been compromised. Repeat, we’ve been compromised!
RANDY
(off stage)
Paul, is that you?
PAUL
(To wrist)
Must enact emergency protocol Alpha Sierra Sierra Delta India Charlie Kilo. No, termination is not an option.
RANDY enters.
RANDY
Hey Paul!
PAUL
End transmission. Randy?! Good, you’re here!
RANDY
Yeah. I was playing Destiny, putting off Professor Plumb’s stupid essay, but the game’s being all glitchy-
PAUL
I need help-
RANDY
The assignment is super clear dude, do you find Nabok/ov’s Lolita-
PAUL
Not with the essay! I need you to do something-
RANDY
Does it have anything to do with that sweet robot arm?
PAUL
No not… sort of.
RANDY
It’s super realistic-
PAUL
Yeah- look, you need to-
RANDY
I think Ange has that nail / polish.
PAUL
Randy! Shut up! I don’t have time to explain but I need you to do some/thing.
RANDY
You spent all your rent money on that arm didn’t you?
PAUL
No you don’t understand-
RANDY
Don’t make this about me. You’re the one who wasted all his money on a prop, you’re always doing this spending your money on stupid crap and expecting me to pick up the rent bill. Well Paul I’m not surprised but I’m still disa/
PAUL kisses RANDY full on the mouth.
/pointed.
PAUL
We need to bang, right this very second.
RANDY
Paul I’m not gay.
PAUL
I know-
RANDY
I know you know because-
PAUL
I know because I’ve tried-
RANDY
Multiple times-
PAUL
So many times to get you to sleep with me but-
RANDY
Paul you’re a nice guy, fantastic roommate- albeit a financial clusterfuck- But Paul-
PAUL
If you don’t bang me I’ll die!
RANDY
You’re being desperate there buddy-
PAUL
I know how it sounds-
RANDY
I don’t think you do, because if you did you’d see how even if I were into it; that would ruin our whole roommate situation.
PAUL
Then marry me!
RANDY
Paul-
PAUL
Think about it!
RANDY
Stop it I’m not gay marrying you-
PAUL
It’s just a marriage.
RANDY
I’m a dude I’d be marrying another dude, that’s a gay marriage-
PAUL
Yeah but you don’t need to call it a gay marriage I don’t go gay swimming or gay renew my driver’s license-
RANDY
I’m still not into you like that-
PAUL
Fine then. Think of it as a monogamous relationship with your best friend and favourite roommate-
RANDY
So what, we get tax breaks and health insurance but… I could still get with chicks?
PAUL
No, monogamous, monogamous!
RANDY
I don’t bang other dudes!
PAUL
Then we wouldn’t bang! You could just give up sex! No? Silence means no huh? What if- what if I became a woman then!
RANDY
Not cool.
PAUL
I’ll get a sex change, we can get straight married and everyone wins!
RANDY
No and fuck you for suggesting that-
PAUL makes an overdramatic shocked reaction.
PAUL
I cannot believe you could be so transphobic! That you wouldn’t love me if I were a trans woman!
RANDY
I’m not transphobic-
PAUL
I don’t know Randy, you should probably, bang me now and prove it or else everyone will know what a transphobic douche you are.
RANDY
You’re the transphobic one! Trying to exploit the struggle of a marginalized people,