Free I'm Judging You by Luvvie Ajayi Page A

hair (come on, Jermaine Jackson. What is that on your scalp?), makeup (especially drawn-on eyebrows. Why do they look like windshield wipers?!), clothes (I see camel toe and moose knuckle. Do you have on underdrawls under those leggings? I’m asking for everyone), and fake teeth (you couldn’t order the size small veneers? You had to go with the extra large? Oh, okay, then).
    But we are more than the sum of our parts, and we are more than the numbers on our scales. Be like me and judge people by the decisions they make with their eyebrows. That’s way more important.

 
    6. Don’t Be Pigpen
    I am not one of those people who is a neat freak. I am far from it far too often, because right now, odds are there’s a pile of dirty laundry on my bedroom floor next to my hamper. I’m not sure why it will pain me so much to move the clothes over ten inches into their proper place, but here I am. I’m just really ready for science to come up with a robot that will do laundry for me, since this is the future and everything. It probably exists in Japan, since they already have robots with feelings. I’m frightened and impressed.
    My point is, I am a lazy goat, so I am not saying everyone needs to live in a spotless house. However, I am here to side-eye those of us who allow our laziness to take over our lives and hygiene habits. Let it be noted that I am not talking about those people who are clinically depressed and can’t get out of bed. You get my love and hugs from afar. Also, I am not talking about those who are homeless. Your situation makes me mad at all of us for failing to ensure you were never put in that position. And I am certainly not speaking about those who are disabled or medically unable. Nawl, not you. I exclude because I care.
    Everyone else, though? I am here to judge you for being so stank sometimes. There are certain personal choices we make that become matters of public concern. One of them is not showering regularly. What is regularly? Well, for the gross and lazy, I’ll say once or twice a week in the winter (when people sweat minimally) and three to four times a week in the summer. Let’s use this very conservative timeline for the purpose of this judging and side-eye I am bestowing. Most of us need to get ourselves in somebody’s tub or shower daily, but I won’t be too strict right now. You’re welcome.
    I’ve heard people talk about not liking to shower, as if it were some torturous act. If you are living in a place where there is no drought and you have access to clean water, and you can’t bring yourself to shower more than once a week, then I’ll just assume you’re allergic to water. Again, see me being considerate of you? I’m so generous.
    Jesus invented soap so that we might all elect to smell like essence of lavender and vanilla whenever we want. Sure, we skip a day here and there because we’re not leaving the house. But eventually we get to a point where our bodies will ring the alarm to tell us that we are officially in need of a scrubdown. That alarm bell might sound like any of the following:

    1. When your armpit smell wafts by your nose from time to time
    You know when you raise your hand to grab the cereal on top of the fridge and you wonder what that funk is, but then you realize that the smell is coming from your actual body? There is an odor emanating from the pocket below your shoulder, and it is of onion rings. You want to cuss yourself out so bad because all you had to do was swipe on deodorant, and you didn’t even manage that. SHAME ON ME, I MEAN, YOU! Get your ass in the bathroom!

    2. When you scratch your neck and your nails get dirty
    You absent-mindedly scratch your chin and then look at your nails, which are now harboring an unpleasant line of dirt. Or you scratch your neck and you have to get a toothpick to dislodge whatever grossness is under your fingernails. GAHTDAMB, is that my skin? Yes it