Free Who I Am by Melody Carlson

write back to Josh. The funny thing is, it's just the kind of thing he would write to me. I guess sometimes we need to be reminded of what we already know. But isn't that what brothers and sisters are for?
    DEAR GOD, I'M SO INCREDIBLY GLAD YOU ALREADY KNOW EVERYTHING THAT'S INSIDE OF ME (AND YOU LOVE ME ANYWAY!). YOU KNOW MY HEART AND WHAT MAKES ME TICK. YOU KNOW IF I'LL EVER MARRY AND WHO IT'LL BE IF I DO. I REALIZE NOW THAT I HAVE NO BUSINESS TRYING TO INFLUENCE JOSH ONE WAY OR ANOTHER ON THIS. ALL I CAN DO IS DIRECT HIM BACK TO YOU AND LET HIM KNOW I'M STILL HIS LOYAL FRIEND, NO MATTER WHAT. THANKS FOR SETTING ME STRAIGHT ON THIS, GOD. I NEEDED THAT! AMEN.
Wednesday, February 13 (confessions)
    On the way home from work, I had to drive really carefully since it was starting to rain and sleet and cars were spinning out all over the place. So as I puttered along, I mentioned Josh's e-mail to Anna. (I really hadn't meant to, but I suppose I was still slightly concerned that I hadn't heard back from him yet.) And bringing up Josh, of course, naturally led into my whole nondating thing (which I don't particularly enjoy sharing with others–just because it usually entails so much explaining, plus I've discovered lately how it can come across as judgmental or superior to some people). So I tried to tiptoe around the whole thing a little, hoping we'd quickly move on to something else. But as it turned out, Anna was really interested in the whole thing. And she was surprisingly understanding and really easy to talk to.
    “Yeah, I've never really dated much,” she admitted. “Mostly because I've been pretty shy. But to be honest, the few times I did go out–usually on a double date with Jewel and her boyfriend at the time–it would usually turn into a real disaster.” She groaned as if remembering something particularly bad.
    “Yeah, I know what you mean. It's like all the rules change when you're on a date. And suddenly there's all these expectations, and one thing leads to another, and before you know it you feel like you're in over your head–”
    “And going down fast!” Anna added. Then we both laughed.
    “I don't mind going out in groups so much,” I told her, remembering the times when Beanie and Zach and Josh and I did things together. Sometimes it was kind of fun. “But then if some of the other couples get too serious, it can get a little uncomfortable.”
    “Tell me about it!” She shook her head. “Going out with Jewel and her various boyfriends was usually worse than being stuck in the front row of the movie theater during a really raunchy sex scene.”
    I had to laugh at that picture.
    “But I think it could be different,” she said wistfully. “I mean, I think I'd like to go out on a really good date sometime, with a guy who's not a setup, a guy who I really like. I think that could be fun.”
    I just shrugged. “Yeah, I suppose–maybe under the right conditions.” Although I was really thinking maybe not. Well, okay, maybe if I were older and seriously thinking about marriage–maybe then it'd be okay. I think I could imagine some kind of mature dating (like if I was engaged), and in a way it sounds like it could be fun going out with the man you love and plan to marry. But even so, we'd have to keep God in the center of our relationship.
    So anyway, we'd reached her house by then and I waited as usual for her to reach into the back and grab her pack, but then she paused. “You know, Caitlin, I feel kind of bad that I've never asked you to come inside.”
    “Oh, that's okay–”
    “No.” She shook her head. “It's not okay. Because in the past couple days, I feel like God is showing me that I need to let go of some things–like my pride for one thing.” She sighed. “You see, it's my pride that doesn't want you to see where I live–or meet my mom. And I know that's wrong.”
    I reached over and put my hand on her shoulder. “You know, Anna, if it makes you feel any better, Beanie and I