Free Au Reservoir by Guy Fraser-Sampson

from preparing to imbibe alcohol at only five minutes past midday.
    ‘Well, it was all pretty mouldy, actually,’ Irene went on, as though there had been no interruption. ‘She said that Lucia had gone charging off to town when she saw the
Mirror
, planning to confront you both, discovered you gone and thought you’d run away to avoid her.’
    Georgie and Olga looked at each other guiltily.
    ‘Then, according to Mapp, she discovered that you’d come here to Tilling and was absolutely certain that you were avoiding her since you “must have known” that she would go to London hotfoot and that Mallards was therefore the one place in the world where you were guaranteed not to run into her.’
    ‘Well, for goodness’ sake,’ Georgie interjected weakly, hoping that his protest sounded credible. Olga simply looked uncomfortable and said nothing.
    ‘Ridiculous, I know,’ Irene agreed, taking a healthy gulp from her pint of bitter, ‘but there you are. That’s Mapp for you.’
    ‘And where did all this silly talk of banning us from Mallards come from, then?’ Olga demanded.
    ‘Oh, that came next in the gospel according to Mapp,’ Irene replied with heavy sarcasm. ‘“Darling Lulu” saw through your “pathetic little scheme” as she put it, and left an angry letter with Olga’s maid saying she was disgusted with your behaviour – both of you, that is – that she was sick and tired of you, Georgie, “gallivanting off” with Olga, and asking you to leave her to live on her own at Mallards while you “made your own arrangements”, if you please.’
    ‘Was that all?’ Olga asked quietly.
    ‘There was quite a lot more if you cared to listen to it,’ Irene responded. ‘Personally, I didn’t. I told her in front of everyone that she was a rancorous old bat, and left.’
    She drained her pint and put it down, watching little flecks of white foam sliding down the glass.
    ‘I found out later from Diva, though, that Mapp waxed lyrical about the prospect of Lucia sitting all by herself in Mallards, growing old and bitter alone.’
    ‘Oh, I say!’ broke in Georgie, appalled. Olga looked close to tears.
    ‘Fortunately of course, this was going way too far, just like she always does. Apparently Diva told her she was being unchristian and Mr Wyse, who had been too polite to leave when I did, bowed and said Mapp was surely overlooking the fact that Lucia would never be lonely as she would always have lots of friends in Tilling. Then he and Susan went too.’
    Olga and Georgie could imagine only too well the malignant look of triumph with which Mapp would have gazed around at this point, seeing the departure of her audience as evidence that, thanks to her powers of perception and oratory, they were now reeling at this glimpse of truth so newly revealed to them.
    ‘Well, at least now we know everything,’ Georgie said gloomily.
    ‘I’m afraid you don’t,’ came Irene’s prompt rejoinder, as she gazed significantly at her glass.
    A new pint promptly installed in front of her, she continued with her narrative.
    ‘What I’ve just told you was the end rather than the beginning, actually. It all grew out of an earlier rant about Lucia’s “imaginary friends” like Noël Coward. In fact, I think it was getting so worked up about that when nobody wanted to believe her that made her go so far with the other thing. You know what she’s like – I could see her getting more and more excited as she went along.’
    ‘What about Noël Coward?’ Olga asked.
    ‘Well,’ Irene said sadly, ‘Lucia did rather let herself in for it. She said that she knew Noël Coward.’
    ‘But that was ages ago,’ protested Georgie.
    Olga looked at him questioningly.
    ‘Oh, you know all those silly invitations she kept sending out to people,’ Georgie explained in exasperation, ‘well, Elizabeth got to hear about it and started making fun of her asking and asking and not being able to get anyone to come.’
    Olga put her chin