I keep on pretending, just like we agreed.
I wake up five minutes before my alarm and quietly slip out of bed, careful not to wake Ryan. After four straight nights of nightmares when I first moved in, I decided we could share the bedroom—as long as he keeps some damn pants on. The king bed is big enough that we don’t have to touch, though somehow we always wake up right next to each other. It made sense at the time, but lately my sex drive has been increasing by the minute. That, coupled with my raging mood swings, makes for real fun times.
I take a long shower, letting the hot water calm my nerves. I’m anxious to see our baby blob on the ultrasound screen today. Nervous as all hell that something might go wrong, but excited.
I turn off the water and go to step out when I see it—a giant fucking spider blocking my way. I hate spiders. I instinctively scream and push myself back into the corner of the shower as far as I can. The bathroom door suddenly bursts open and a fierce, disheveled looking Ryan comes barging in.
“What the fuck? Are you ok?” He looks around wildly, fists clenched and ready, no doubt searching for the axe murderer my over-dramatic screams must have led him to believe was attacking me. When he realizes nobody else is here, he looks confused.
I try to cover myself as best I can with my hands and nod to the shower door just as the eight legged beast starts to crawl away. “There! Kill it! Before it gets away!”
Ryan holds the shower door open and squints at the floor. “Are you kidding me, Brooks? A fucking spider? That’s why you’re in here screaming bloody murder?”
I try to scoff indignantly, but the creepy crawly sonofabitch is on the move again making me shriek. “Please just get it!” I cower in the corner while Ryan grabs a wad of toilet paper.
He tries to squish it when it darts out from under him, making its way between Ryan’s legs. I yelp as Ryan swears and hops around, trying not to step on it with his bare feet. “Fuck you, you little bastard. Ah, shit! Goddamnit!”
Ryan stubs his toe before launching himself to the ground, barely getting his hand down fast enough to squash the spider beneath the toilet paper. He balls it up and forcefully throws it in the toilet, as if slam dunking a basketball. He flushes and as the water swirls around he extends both his middle fingers to the bowl. “Take that you little shit.”
Now that I know the spider is dead and can regain my composure, I can’t help but laugh at how completely ridiculous this situation is. I hold my hand to my mouth to stifle the giggles, forgetting I’m completely naked until Ryan turns and eyes me lustfully through the glass.
I quickly move to cover myself again. “Ok. You can leave now.”
Ryan crosses his arms and leans against the outside shower wall, facing away but making no move to actually leave. “Really. That’s the thanks I get for saving your life?”
I try to keep the smile out of my voice. “Nice try. That peek is the only thing you’ll get, so enjoy it, pal. Now get out please.”
“Well since you said please . . .” He heads to the door, but before he exits he turns his head to get one last look. I reach for the nearest object—a sopping wet washcloth—and hurl it at him. “Go!” I yell, just as the cloth misses his head when he slips outside and closes the door, laughing the whole time.
By the time I exit the bathroom a half hour later, fully dressed and ready, Ryan is no longer in the room. I pad out to the kitchen and find him looking at his phone. He smiles as he pours me a mug of ginger tea, which I kind of enjoy now.
I grab a yogurt from the fridge and try to open the counter drawer to get a spoon, but it’s stuck. I pull harder, frustrated.
Without saying a word, Ryan leans over the counter and flicks his finger to release a bit of plastic stuck inside. He casually goes back to what he was doing.
I remain still, looking puzzled. He glances up. “I couldn’t