Free It's Always Darkest Before the Fridge Door Opens: Enjoying the Fruits of Middle Age by Phil Callaway, Martha O. Bolton Page B

airline’s point of view. Those moving sidewalks aren’t there to get you to your gate faster than those who don’t use it. They’re simply to provide entertainment for the passengers who are stuck sitting at the gates waiting for their boarding calls. What else have they got to look at? Some rerun of a news item two weeks old? The man sitting across from them eating a boiled egg? The kids fighting with each other in the seats next to them? Let’s face it, the entertainment at airports is very limited. So instead of complaining, start entertaining. Place your luggage down on the conveyor belt so that your hands will be free to wave at others as you pass by. Think of yourself as being on a parade float. Wave, sing, dance, do whatever you feel is appropriate. You might even want to juggle a few of those three-dollar airport candy bars in the air. In other words, enjoy the moment. And the opportunity to be discovered. American Idol and Nashville Star may reach millions, but who knows who might see you at an international airport. Music producers, movie directors, and even scouts for the Ringling Bros. circus all have to travel. They’re walking airport terminals every day. So do your thing and who knows, you just might have a new career awaiting you. And one day you’ll be able to say, ‘‘It all started in front of gate C-19!’’
    2. Airplane seats that don’t really recline but have a button making you think they do.
    The real reason for the uncomfortable seating on airplanes is obvious; you just have to look for it. Some think it’s to sell all those neck rests and aspirin in the airport gift shop. Or to give chiropractors the much-needed business. But the real reason is to help you with your posture. So the next time the stewardess is playing that fun little game at landing, selecting people at random to tell them to bring their seat to the full upright position, play along and hit the button, even though you know it doesn’t work. Your seat won’t move, of course, but remember what the airlines know: Good posture is important. Uncomfortable, but important. Your back will thank you.
    3. Airline blankets.
    Yes, they are rough and can cut you to shreds in minutes if you move around too much beneath them. But these airline blankets are scratchy for a perfectly legitimate reason. While you may simply be cold and not have any rashes whatsoever, for those travelers who do, those blankets are actually a service that the airlines provide. Nothing scratches an itch like an airline blanket.
    4. Individual air-conditioning controls.
    We think it’s cute how the airlines have led us to believe that we are actually controlling the cool-air flow to our individual seats. But if you’ve ever flown in the winter, you know that the cold air doesn’t stop blowing on you no matter how tightly you close your vent. Icicles will form on your beverage cup, and you’ll be begging the stewardess for a blanket, rash or not. But the airlines even have a good reason for this. The reason they make us think we can control the air flow above us is part of their fitness plan. They are helping all of us flabby-armed passengers work out those underarm muscles. On a three-hour flight, the typical passenger will do at least thirty of these arm lifts.
    5. Airplane rest rooms.
    If you’re like the rest of us, you’ve probably spent a fair amount of time wondering why the rest rooms on an airplane are so small. Have the powers that be not looked at the size of the average passenger? We are not that little, and we are certainly not getting any smaller. If we were, airplanes would be able to fly at a much higher altitude. Some of us are taller than the tallest airplane rest room, wider than the width, and we haven’t even begun to talk about claustrophobia. But believe it or not, they have a perfectly legitimate reason for small rest rooms, and it’s an ecological one, too. It saves on paper towels. Plain and simple. The airlines know there’s