fuckâ â Nadine stopped herself from cussing, and continued, â. . . freaking opinion on everything else.â
Ellen bit her tongue, not wanting to inflame the situation any further, but slyly she gave Nadine the finger.
âIâd really like to know what you think, Ellen, please,â Xanthe begged. âLetâs all just be honest today. Thereâs already no turning back for some.â
Izzy knew the comment was meant for her by the bitter look Xanthe threw in her direction.
Ellen felt uncomfortable and, unexpectedly, under extreme pressure. âI donât see the need for all this confessing about our most intimate selves, celebrating Easter with tears instead of chocolate eggs,â she said, still trying to avoid any real input into the conversation.
âItâs not confessing, Ellen, itâs sharing, thatâs what weâre doing.â Xanthe was starting to sound calmer and more rational but she was still driving the agenda.
âSharing eh? Is that what weâre doing?â Ellen looked around the table at the watery red eyes of each woman, includingNadine. They all looked back, waiting. âFine, well then Iâm going to share in the same vein and I know this is going to freak some of you out . . .â She looked at Xanthe and Izzy.
âOh, for fuckâs sake just spill it,â Nadine said, exasperated.
âI had my tubes tied when I was twenty-six,â Ellen blurted, as if she was in a confessional.
The women all looked shocked, except Veronica who had helped, through Alex, get the referral so Ellen could have the procedure.
âBullshit!â Izzy said in total disbelief. âYou wouldâve told us before now.â She looked at the others. âWouldnât she?â
âShe told me,â Veronica said, divulging the secret sheâd carried for over a decade.
âYou told Vee, and not us?â There was a hint of ugliness in Izzyâs tone.
They all thought it but said nothing: Ellen had told a white woman about her tubal ligation but not breathed a word about it to her Black sisters. Why?
Ellen frowned. âWhy would I tell you? Itâs not like Black women often get their tubes tied. How many do you know?â There was silence. âThatâs right, itâs worse than â â she stopped herself.
âWorse than what?â Izzy asked with one eyebrow arched. âAn abortion? Is that what you were going to say?â Izzy knew they were as bad as each other in some womenâs eyes, and she was prepared for the guilt trips she was going to get if she made the decision to terminate. She didnât plan this baby, she didnât want children, but she still didnât see the need to act â just yet. And she had now managed to drag her friendsinto her drama, and upset those she loved at the same time. In the meantime she felt herself being judged.
Ellen felt it too. âLook, we all grew up together, so you know how much the old ladies want grannies, and the pressure is always on us to procreate, maintain the race, be the matriarch.â Izzy just nodded. âI told Vee because she was neutral in terms of what goes on with our mob, and Alex organised the connections for me in Sydney. So I had some moral and practical support, which I needed. It was a big deal for me at the time, and I didnât want to make it any bigger.â Ellen was thinking that she didnât want to be like Xanthe and have everyone know her business.
âOf course I understand,â Izzy said. âItâs why Iâm struggling with my lot now. I know how the old women think. Itâs probably why Xanthe is so desperate to have a baby too. Partly? Maybe?â
Izzy was desperate to soften the hard air between her and Xanthe by including her tidda in her answer â and in the shared responsibility they all knew they had as Aboriginal women. Izzy, Ellen and Xanthe were strong
Landon Dixon, Giselle Renarde, Beverly Langland