Free Tiddas by Anita Heiss Page B

fuck– ’ Nadine stopped herself from cussing, and continued, ‘. . . freaking opinion on everything else.’
    Ellen bit her tongue, not wanting to inflame the situation any further, but slyly she gave Nadine the finger.
    â€˜I’d really like to know what you think, Ellen, please,’ Xanthe begged. ‘Let’s all just be honest today. There’s already no turning back for some.’
    Izzy knew the comment was meant for her by the bitter look Xanthe threw in her direction.
    Ellen felt uncomfortable and, unexpectedly, under extreme pressure. ‘I don’t see the need for all this confessing about our most intimate selves, celebrating Easter with tears instead of chocolate eggs,’ she said, still trying to avoid any real input into the conversation.
    â€˜It’s not confessing, Ellen, it’s sharing, that’s what we’re doing.’ Xanthe was starting to sound calmer and more rational but she was still driving the agenda.
    â€˜Sharing eh? Is that what we’re doing?’ Ellen looked around the table at the watery red eyes of each woman, includingNadine. They all looked back, waiting. ‘Fine, well then I’m going to share in the same vein and I know this is going to freak some of you out . . .’ She looked at Xanthe and Izzy.
    â€˜Oh, for fuck’s sake just spill it,’ Nadine said, exasperated.
    â€˜I had my tubes tied when I was twenty-six,’ Ellen blurted, as if she was in a confessional.
    The women all looked shocked, except Veronica who had helped, through Alex, get the referral so Ellen could have the procedure.
    â€˜Bullshit!’ Izzy said in total disbelief. ‘You would’ve told us before now.’ She looked at the others. ‘Wouldn’t she?’
    â€˜She told me,’ Veronica said, divulging the secret she’d carried for over a decade.
    â€˜You told Vee, and not us?’ There was a hint of ugliness in Izzy’s tone.
    They all thought it but said nothing: Ellen had told a white woman about her tubal ligation but not breathed a word about it to her Black sisters. Why?
    Ellen frowned. ‘Why would I tell you? It’s not like Black women often get their tubes tied. How many do you know?’ There was silence. ‘That’s right, it’s worse than – ’ she stopped herself.
    â€˜Worse than what?’ Izzy asked with one eyebrow arched. ‘An abortion? Is that what you were going to say?’ Izzy knew they were as bad as each other in some women’s eyes, and she was prepared for the guilt trips she was going to get if she made the decision to terminate. She didn’t plan this baby, she didn’t want children, but she still didn’t see the need to act – just yet. And she had now managed to drag her friendsinto her drama, and upset those she loved at the same time. In the meantime she felt herself being judged.
    Ellen felt it too. ‘Look, we all grew up together, so you know how much the old ladies want grannies, and the pressure is always on us to procreate, maintain the race, be the matriarch.’ Izzy just nodded. ‘I told Vee because she was neutral in terms of what goes on with our mob, and Alex organised the connections for me in Sydney. So I had some moral and practical support, which I needed. It was a big deal for me at the time, and I didn’t want to make it any bigger.’ Ellen was thinking that she didn’t want to be like Xanthe and have everyone know her business.
    â€˜Of course I understand,’ Izzy said. ‘It’s why I’m struggling with my lot now. I know how the old women think. It’s probably why Xanthe is so desperate to have a baby too. Partly? Maybe?’
    Izzy was desperate to soften the hard air between her and Xanthe by including her tidda in her answer – and in the shared responsibility they all knew they had as Aboriginal women. Izzy, Ellen and Xanthe were strong