Free The Driver's Guide to Hitting Pedestrians by Andersen Prunty Page A

cunnilingus on her. She laughs and tells him she likes the way the mustache feels. Within a few minutes, she reaches a shivering climax. Afterwards, Tina giggles and leaves. It isn’t until the next morning, when Lon goes into the bathroom to shave, he notices his mustache missing.
    “ That bitch,” he says between clenched teeth.
    He tries to grow another mustache but it isn’t the same; the symmetry is all wrong, the thickness subpar. It has an odor.
    Lon tries to call Tina but she won’t pick up the phone. He can’t leave a message. What would he say?
    Many months later, Lon rents a porno, it being a long time since his last sexual encounter. Midway through the porno, after Lon has masturbated three times, he notices Tina. She is calling herself Glenda Bummings now. He doesn’t want to watch, he’s so angry with her, but her image sparks memories of being with her and Lon is, once again, aroused.
    Soon, the male actor in the porno enters Tina. Lon remembers the days when that was him. The man slides his penis out and Lon is flabbergasted. He scrambles to kneel in front of the TV. Attached to the man’s penis is Lon’s mustache.
    “ That bitch,” Lon thinks.
    Captivated, he watches as his mustache rumples up against her vagina and then disappears inside once more. There are times when Lon thinks he can see it peeking out, nearly taunting him, whispering softly, “Remember when I used to be on your lip?”

Dog in Orbit
     
    A woman comes home and discovers her dog is missing. It is an ugly mutt with a face like a leathered wino but, nevertheless, she misses it. She goes back outside. A thin old man is collapsed face down on the sidewalk in a puddle of drool. She nudges his skeletal shoulder with her foot.
    “ Whu...?” He squints up into the sunlight.
    “ Have you seen my dog?”
    “ Can you help me up?”
    The woman bends down and grabs the man beneath the arms. It’s a struggle but he makes it to his feet. He sits down on a retaining wall and pulls a cigarette from his shirt pocket. The woman sits down on his left and he puts a hand to the side of his face, pretending she can’t see him. She stands up and walks in front of him. “Have you seen my dog?”
    The man silently points to a house across the street. He throws his cigarette out into the road and slides back down onto the sidewalk. The woman crosses the street to the house the old man pointed to. It’s pretty dilapidated. She didn’t even know anyone lived there. Once she’s in front of the house, the old man shouts from the sidewalk: “Hey, lady! Think you can help me up?”
    She doesn’t want to help him up. She ignores him. She walks up onto the porch of the dilapidated house and knocks on the door. The door opens quickly, as though someone stood just on the other side, waiting. Her dog jumps up on her, his front paws on her thighs. She reaches down to pet him. A rugged looking man stands behind the dog, a leash in his hand. “Whoa, boy,” he says. He pulls the dog back into the house.
    “ I’m sorry to bother you,” the woman says. “But I think there’s been a mistake.”
    “ I like dogs,” the man says. “Make no mistake about that. I love ’em.”
    “ I’m sure you do. But this is my dog.”
    “ No. You’re confused. It’s my dog.”
    “ No. This is most certainly my dog.”
    “ I like dogs. It’s my dog now.”
    “ No. It’s still my dog.”
    “ Hardly.” The man chuckles. “Look, maybe it could be our dog.”
    “ I don’t understand.”
    “ Yeah. You move in and stuff. It’ll be our dog.”
    “ Please just give me my dog back.”
    “ He likes me better.”
    The dog laps at the woman’s face as she continues to pet him. It farts on the man.
    “ I’m going to have to ask you to leave,” the man says. “Or stay. The choice is yours. But you can’t take the dog with you.”
    The woman decides to move in. The man isn’t too atrociously ugly and she doesn’t have a boyfriend anyway. The man never