Free Sacrifice by Nileyah Mary Rose

I fought back the tears that almost fell.
    “Fuck you Latif!”
    “I bet you do,” he said laughing.
    “You know what I don’t even think you were born with a heart. That explains why you don’t love anyone.”
    “I do have a heart and I love my kids.”
    “Of course you do, you made them.”
    “And I also made you,” he said still taking me as a joke.
    “No, you made a hoe!”
    “Well if that’s what you call yourself.”
    “I have never hated anybody the way I hate you right now,” I said with anger.
    “Ooh very harsh, don’t be mad that it isn’t you that has my heart.”
    “I’m not mad anymore thanks to you. But I do think the reason you are with her is because that is the only way you will see your kids, whom you love.”
    “You don’t know what the fuck you talking about Rachael.”
    “Oh I don’t, really? So here’s a question for you. Did she trap you?”
    “I don’t have to listen to your nonsense, I am out,” he said as he hung up the phone in my face.
    I could tell I struck a nerve because he texted me, “Get your shit and get the fuck out of my house.”
    “With pleasure,” I said with pride, but not knowing where to go once I left. I packed my bags anyway and threw them in the car with the money I saved. I had nobody to turn to so I sat in the car and plotted my next move. A motel room was an option, but my money would only last for so long. I also had to account for gas to get around and find a new job, because I was afraid to go back to my old job knowing they would be disappointed with the decision I had made for myself. I drove to see my daughter knowing it would make me feel better and sure enough, the foster mom wouldn’t let me see her.
    “You lost her when you decided to start selling your body,” she said with disgust.
    “Please, I don’t have time for this, just let me see my daughter,” I was fighting back my tears all in reflection of the past seven or eight months in hopes to see my daughter.
    “Over my dead body and she is not your child anymore.”
    “That was not the deal we made when I gave my child to you!” I said as tears finally fell.
    “Well you broke the rule and abandon her when you started doing that nonsense.”
    “Look here lady, this is my fucking child and you cannot tell me when to see her or not.”
    “Yes I can, and by the way, you’re too close right now because I have a restraining order on you.”
    “Are kidding me right now?”
    “Absolutely not, see you in court knowing you will lose anyway because you are unfit mother.”
    She slammed the door in my face and gave me confirmation that everything was falling apart on this beautiful sunny Wednesday. I walked away with tears knowing I wouldn’t be seeing my child today as I went back to where I started; the motel. I stayed there without coming out for a long time. I slowly but surely started to come back to my senses. I stopped using drugs because Latif wasn’t there to provide them. Going through withdrawals felt worse than being on drugs in the first place. I thought I was going to die as my body ached like a Hebrew slave with sweat falling through my body like I was taking a hot shower.

 
    Chapter 5
     
    Ella became the reason I didn’t give up on myself. I became dead to the world but alive for my child. Hiding underneath my skin, ashamed of what I had become didn’t help me get through things.
    I had nobody to turn to. This was the time I needed my mother the most. I had nowhere else to turn, so I swallowed my pride aside and drove to her house. She gasped with surprise to see me standing there on her front porch crying, as she let me in with her nose up high to the sky.
    “Mama please help me,” I got on my knees as if I were begging for her mercy as she looked at me like I was someone else’s child. “I’m lost Mama; I don’t know what to do or how to get my child back,” I cried in hopes that she would take me back knowing I had a child. I took a good look at her