Free Deliriously Happy by Larry Doyle

said the other day.
    Since Madison rescinded its entire penal code in April, effectively making nothing illegal, the city’s official crime rate has dropped to zero.
    â€œObviously,” Grunn added.

Freelance File

    News item: Stock market in toilet; foreclosures at all-time high; “worse than Great Depression.”
    C ANNED F OODIES Top chef recipes for gourmet meals using Campbell’s Soup, Spaghetti-O’s, etc .
    B ABY, I T’S H OT I NSIDE! Free heat alternatives. Household objects, furniture rated for combustibility, toxicity .
    T HE O THER M EATS
    Should move on these before things improve .
    Celebrity Profile Subjects
    Miranda Cosgrove (L ITTLE B IG G IRL )
    Scarlett Johansson (B IG L ITTLE G IRL )
    Zooey and Emily Deschanel (T HE N EW B ARRYMORES )
    Thomas Pynchon (H ANGIN’ W ITH T OM )
    News item: Baby boomers getting older .
    M ACULAR D-D-D-D-G ENERATION As Boomers age, many are faced with difficult choice: laser surgery or glasses? Pros/Cons, personal stories of triumph/tragedy .
    N O R EMOTES: S TORIES TO T ELL T ODAY’S G RANDCHILDREN
    Service Pieces
    9 S EX T RICKS T HAT W ILL M AKE H IM T HINK Y OU’VE B ECOME A H OOKER Interview hookers, or just make them up? Test on wife first .
    W HERE TO F IND B EST P ORN ON THE W EB Pseudonym?
    News item: People hate Muslims
    S HIITE L IKE M E Undercover investigative piece. Apply for jobs in turban, etc., at downtown electronics stores. Maybe follow Islam for whole year and make it a book? Strategize on how to get beaten but not killed .
    Travel Pieces
    T OP S PAS OF O LD E UROPE
    C ASTLE K EPT: K ING FOR A M ONTH
    B EST S EX V ACATIONS OF S OUTHEAST A SIA
    Get passport .
    News item: Celebutantes Getting in Trouble
    Need new angle. Paradigm shift. Celebutantes as Christians and Paparazzi as Lions?
    Possible “Lives” Columns
    M ILLION L ITTLE P IXELS Reveal Internet porn addiction. Title too clever? Alt: I N EED P ORN This may be a book . T HE M ONSTER IN M Y I P AD ? Tell wife now, or wait?
    T HROUGH G LASSES D ARKLY On getting reading glasses for first time. Intimations of mortality, etc. Maybe end on reading bedtime story to son or daughter. Circle unbroken. Tearing up already. Ask wife what books they like .
    M Y D AD Dredge something up .
    News item: Dog dials 911
    G OOD D OG! Listicle. Not all dogs dialing phones. Dogs barking at danger, raising babies, etc. Include police, assistance dogs, and this could be book. Literary nonfiction or coffee table? Why not both?
    Or go counterintuitive: T HE B EAST IN THE H OUSE, dogs who killed/maimed/ate owners, in funny way .
    Or humorous twist: C AT H EROES. Made-up, obviously. Could be “Shouts and Murmurs,” or short, funny book .
    Something About Robots

Notes on My Next Bestseller

    A NGELS M AY R EPLACE V AMPIRES A S N EW T REND IN T EEN L IT
    â€” Huffington Post
    Weirdest dream. Must get this down.
    Angel floating over my bed. Very buff, but also vulnerable somehow. Long flowing locks, but his face and body hairless. Smells like chocolate .
    Angel says unto me: “I am love but cannot love.”
    I say back: “What?”
    Angel says: “I have so much love to give some lost young woman, but alas, I cannot indulge in the carnal .”
    I say: “Okay.”
    He says: “You can use that.”
    Rereading this in the morning. What was he trying to tell me?
    Epiphany: Hot sexy angel wants to make sweet celestial love to you but cannot . This is big!
    Reading Bible for insp. No angels so far. In two thousand years, they couldn’t compile an index?
    Possible titles: Angels and Dames . Fallen Love . Keep thinking on this.
    Finally: Genesis 19:1: “And there came two angels to Sodom at even.”
    Man, God is mean .
    Why can’t Angels have sex with teenage girls? Need strong, dramatic, yet plausible reason. Sex makes them mortal? It turns the girls into demons, or swans? No genitalia?
    Because God said so!
    Hot sexy angel who wants to make