Free Highway To Armageddon by Harold Bloemer

away to footage of
several Chinese aircraft carriers about 150 miles off the coast of Alaska.
               
The video cuts back to the reporters, who appear visibly stunned.
               
As the news correspondents plunge into hysteria, I simply roll my eyes, as does
Lance. We both know the U.S. and China will never go to war. Both empires have
thousands of nuclear and antimatter warheads pointed at each other. Just like
the Cold War in the mid-20 th century, there will be a lot of
posturing and accusations, but no war. At least, I hope that’s the
case.  
               
“Well ain’t that some shit,” Krystal says, standing up and stretching. “I bet
Klaxton is hiding Rasputin.”
               
Lance blows raspberries. “That’s ridiculous. I think we can all agree that
Klaxton is a cold, arrogant, psychotic tyrant, but even she isn’t stupid enough
to risk another world war just to help some Russian terrorist.”
               
“You know what they say,” Krystal says, chomping on an apple from the fruit
basket. “ The enemy of my enemy is my friend .”
               
I’m about to say something, but then I realize Krystal may have a point. She
really is a lot smarter than she lets on.
               
“I’m about to get a shower and put on a new wig,” Krystal says, rummaging
around in her wig closet. She pulls out a bright blue one with green streaks.
“What do you guys think of this one?”
               
“It’s perfect if you’re thinking about going to clown school,” Lance replies.
The kids giggle.
               
Krystal hurls her half-eaten apple at Lance, who catches it in mid-air and eats
around her bite-marks. Krystal mutters some unflattering remarks and storms
into the bathroom. Seconds later I hear the water running in the shower.
               
“Don’t use all the hot water!” I shout. Krystal is notorious for taking long
showers.
               
“God, I hate school!” Blade suddenly shouts, slamming his head on the table.
               
“Don’t say that, school’s cool,” Lance says, walking over to the dining room
table. I follow after them. (The news is depressing anyway.)
               
“You sound like some lame public service announcement,” I say, playfully
punching Lance in the arm. Deep down inside, though, I don’t think he’s ever
sounded sexier. I have a soft spot for men who value a good education.
               
“If school’s so cool, why do they make us do these hard-ass assignments?” Blade
whines.
               
“Hey, don’t cuss,” I snap. “I don’t know where you guys get that from.”
               
Lance, Harpoon, and Blade all stare at me with goofy grins.
               
“Really, Boom Boom?” Harpoon asks. “You have no idea?”
               
I roll up a piece of paper and toss it at her head. It bounces off and falls to
the floor while she giggles like a pig. I love her laugh so much.
               
I sit down across from Blade and ask, “What are you guys working on?”
               
Blade puts his head in his hands and grumbles, “I have to write a stupid report
on what started the Horrible Depression. I hate history!”
               
“Bite your tongue,” I say. “History can be fascinating if you have an open
mind.”
               
“But I don’t have an open mind!” Blade whines.
               
Lance chuckles. “What are you working on, Pumpkin?”
               
Harpoon looks up from her paper and says, “I’m writing a paper on why the U.S.
started using bounty hunters to fight crime. I could use your help, too, when
you get done with Dumbo over there.”
               
Harpoon points to Blade, who sticks out his tongue.
               
I pat Harpoon on her hand . “We’ll help you