looking at me. It didnât matter who I was. She was already alone with her fear. âI hate it here. And Justin, heâs so fucking gung ho. He wonât even talk to me. And I just know Iâll never ever be able to do this. I canâtââ she turned to me, tried to swallow and ended up coughing. She blurted out, âIâm so damned scared.â
I put my arm around her shoulder and could almost feel her fear flowing into me. For a moment I just felt sick. âIâve come to sesshins for years. Iâve never started one without being scared. Weâre here to find out whatâs real and to see through what isnât. We could come out fundamentally changed. Itâs scary, real scaryââ
âBut itâs different, for me. No oneâs as scaredââ
âSure they are.â
âAre you?â she asked pleadingly.
All I had told her about sesshin would be a lie if I lied. âYes.â
There was a little crinkle by the corner of her nose as if she couldnât decide whether to pout or laugh.
In for a lamb in for a sheep, or whatever livestock. I was leaving myself no choice but to face my fear. I forced a grin. âIâll bet you the first cup of cocoa we get, winner take both. And you can be the judge. But I have to warn you youâre on very slippery ground here. You on?â
I freed her shoulder and shifted right, leaving a little space between us.
She ran a finger over the rough denim of her jeans, back and forth, as if moving from her fears to mine. Her pouty mouth said she knew no one could be as terrified as she was. But was she sure enough to deny herself the one special treat weâd get?
I was just about to take pity on her when she surprised me. âIâm afraid Iâll go stir crazy in the zendo. Iâll start screaming. Iâll make a fool of myself, the roshi will scream âAmber, get out of my zendo,â and my boyfriend will be so disgusted heâll dump me. And thatâll just be tomorrow.â
I let out a laugh. âAmber, the contest is over. You win. None of that will happen. But you still win.â
âHuh?â She looked almost disappointed by her easy victory. âBut what was yours?â
I shrugged.
âTell me,â she said, sounding like a pleading little sister. Then she dared me. âDouble or nothing if you give in to it.â
I could tell, she, too, wouldnât give up; sheâd postpone. âOkay. Itâs the woods. Here I am in the middle of the forest and Iâm terrified of the woods.â
She stared. Then she snorted. I had intended to cheer her upâIâd revealed my deepest secret, or at least the most damning part of itâand here she was laughing so hard she could barely sit up. It was almost insulting. Still, it was nice to have a buddy at sesshin. Amber wasnât Leo, but sheâd do. By the end of sesshin, Iâd find a way to assure her discretion; Iâd have to.
I almost missed the sound cutting under the bubbling of her laughs. The clappers. Wood hitting wood, and again, and again. The timekeeper had been standing on the zendo steps striking together polished blocks the size of blackboard erasers. By now heâd be walking toward us, or toward the kitchen, or the parking lot, ready to hit the clappers again, to signal students at the farthest corner of the property.
âThe clappers,â I said to Amber. âTen minutes till sesshin starts. Youâre already closer to that extra cocoa.â
Her lips quivered in what I took as an attempt at a smile. âYeah. If I survive the zendo and the trees donât grab you .â
I had meant to comfort Amber, but oddly that little interchange lightened my own steps and made me feel a part of the place. I walked more easily toward the zendo and when I passed the regal Rob, the jerk who had pulled rank in the truck and then sat in the cab wagging his finger at Leo, I