Free A Single Eye by Susan Dunlap Page A

looking at me. It didn’t matter who I was. She was already alone with her fear. “I hate it here. And Justin, he’s so fucking gung ho. He won’t even talk to me. And I just know I’ll never ever be able to do this. I can’t—” she turned to me, tried to swallow and ended up coughing. She blurted out, “I’m so damned scared.”
    I put my arm around her shoulder and could almost feel her fear flowing into me. For a moment I just felt sick. “I’ve come to sesshins for years. I’ve never started one without being scared. We’re here to find out what’s real and to see through what isn’t. We could come out fundamentally changed. It’s scary, real scary—”
    â€œBut it’s different, for me. No one’s as scared—”
    â€œSure they are.”
    â€œAre you?” she asked pleadingly.
    All I had told her about sesshin would be a lie if I lied. “Yes.”
    There was a little crinkle by the corner of her nose as if she couldn’t decide whether to pout or laugh.
    In for a lamb in for a sheep, or whatever livestock. I was leaving myself no choice but to face my fear. I forced a grin. “I’ll bet you the first cup of cocoa we get, winner take both. And you can be the judge. But I have to warn you you’re on very slippery ground here. You on?”
    I freed her shoulder and shifted right, leaving a little space between us.
    She ran a finger over the rough denim of her jeans, back and forth, as if moving from her fears to mine. Her pouty mouth said she knew no one could be as terrified as she was. But was she sure enough to deny herself the one special treat we’d get?
    I was just about to take pity on her when she surprised me. “I’m afraid I’ll go stir crazy in the zendo. I’ll start screaming. I’ll make a fool of myself, the roshi will scream ‘Amber, get out of my zendo,’ and my boyfriend will be so disgusted he’ll dump me. And that’ll just be tomorrow.”
    I let out a laugh. “Amber, the contest is over. You win. None of that will happen. But you still win.”
    â€œHuh?” She looked almost disappointed by her easy victory. “But what was yours?”
    I shrugged.
    â€œTell me,” she said, sounding like a pleading little sister. Then she dared me. “Double or nothing if you give in to it.”
    I could tell, she, too, wouldn’t give up; she’d postpone. “Okay. It’s the woods. Here I am in the middle of the forest and I’m terrified of the woods.”
    She stared. Then she snorted. I had intended to cheer her up—I’d revealed my deepest secret, or at least the most damning part of it—and here she was laughing so hard she could barely sit up. It was almost insulting. Still, it was nice to have a buddy at sesshin. Amber wasn’t Leo, but she’d do. By the end of sesshin, I’d find a way to assure her discretion; I’d have to.
    I almost missed the sound cutting under the bubbling of her laughs. The clappers. Wood hitting wood, and again, and again. The timekeeper had been standing on the zendo steps striking together polished blocks the size of blackboard erasers. By now he’d be walking toward us, or toward the kitchen, or the parking lot, ready to hit the clappers again, to signal students at the farthest corner of the property.
    â€œThe clappers,” I said to Amber. “Ten minutes till sesshin starts. You’re already closer to that extra cocoa.”
    Her lips quivered in what I took as an attempt at a smile. “Yeah. If I survive the zendo and the trees don’t grab you .”
    I had meant to comfort Amber, but oddly that little interchange lightened my own steps and made me feel a part of the place. I walked more easily toward the zendo and when I passed the regal Rob, the jerk who had pulled rank in the truck and then sat in the cab wagging his finger at Leo, I