Free Silver Bay Song by M J Rutter Page B

with Jay, that he died and left you. But being like this every time you mention him, it’s not going to change the fact that he is gone.”
    “Thank you for reminding me,” she barked.
    “See, I am doing it again,” I roared. “You know what, fine, screw it. I am done trying to be nice to you, trying to make up for the fact that I will never be good enough for you. I can’t do this, I don’t have the time or energy anymore.” I turned to leave.
    “I never asked you to,” she cried. “You and your glorious eyes, I never made you yell at me or my dog.”
    I turned back to her. She was shivering, but not from cold, I could see she was afraid. I almost told her, as tears streaked with mascara rolled down her soaked cheeks, I almost said I am dying, I have MS and there is no cure, its killing me and I can’t fall in love with you because it will hurt you, I will hurt you. Almost.
    She began walking again and at that moment fear flooded my body, covering me like a tidal wave, I couldn’t let her go, I couldn’t and I didn’t want to. I reached out to her and took her quivering hand, I pulled her close to me and as she fell into my arms. I lifted her face with my finger under her chin, pressed my rain soaked lips to hers and I kissed her. Dying my ass, not now, not today!
                  I felt her warm in my arms, her quivering subsided and as our mouths danced in the rain, I felt I had actually found a reason to my life. In my head though, I knew it couldn’t last, she didn’t deserve the pain I would bring to her life. Still, I couldn’t stop kissing her.
     
                  Eventually we parted lips, she pressed her forehead to mine and gazed into my eyes as I cradled her head in my hands. Her eyes were still pooled with tears and it actually hurt me to think I had caused those tears. I used my thumbs to wipe the tears that had dripped from her eyes, from her cheeks.
                  “Let me take you home,” I said, she nodded her head and allowed me to tow her to my car. She climbed in and sniffed. Before I started the engine I turned to her, “I have something to tell you, you probably won’t like it and after if you want nothing to do with me, I’ll understand.”
                  “Are you married?” she asked.
                  “No, I was engaged though.”
                  “Was it recent?”
                  “Yes,” I admitted, “but we drifted apart a long time ago, so, we’ll talk back at my place, okay?” I checked. She nodded and I started the engine. 
     
    As we drove back to my house I ran it over and over in my head, but the truth is, there is no easy way to tell someone you care very much for that you are going to die, that your body, however normal it looks now, is going to change and your mobility will be considerably reduced. How do you say those words ‘I have Multiple Sclerosis and it is going to kill me, if I live long enough to let it?’
    I had every intention of telling her everything, who I really was, where I had come from and what was wrong with me. I had it all ready to say, but when we got back to my house she climbed out and I could see how scared she was. How could I do this? Why did I want to destroy this chance?
     
    Silently, she followed me into my house, still clutching her shoes in her hands. I led her to the living room and told her to sit down while I made hot drinks to warm us both up. The thunder roared outside and lightning streaked the ocean as I carried two hot, smoky coffees into the living room and set them on the coffee table. I sat beside her on the couch as she heaved a shaky breath.
    “So, um, what is it you have to tell me?” she asked.
    “My uh, my ex and I only broke up a week or so ago.” It wasn’t a lie, but it wasn’t what I needed to tell her.
    “That soon huh? And you thought you could accuse me of being hung up over my ex,” she retorted