Free How It Feels to Fly by Kathryn Holmes

myself, This is what I want. Fresh fruit. Not butter and dough and icing. I pull off a segment and pop it into my mouth, biting down. The juice is sweet and tart.
    I set the rest of the clementine aside on a paper towel. Every time the cinnamon roll smell threatens to overwhelm me, I eat another segment.
    And bite by bite, I make it through the next hour.
    THE MORNING’S GROUP session is about anxiety triggers and symptoms. Dr. Lancaster has us call out how we feel in stressful situations. She writes down our ideas on the big whiteboard that appeared in the Dogwood Room overnight.
    â€œI can’t breathe,” Katie says. “And my heart beats so hard.”
    â€œI get dizzy,” Omar adds.
    â€œUpset stomach,” Jenna says primly.
    After a long pause, Dominic says, “ If I get really freaked out—and I’m not saying I ever do, but, like, hypothetically—my palms get all sweaty. I can’t grip the ball.” He slouches in his seat and repeats, “Hypothetically.”
    â€œGood,” Dr. Lancaster says. “Anyone else?”
    â€œThe voice in my head gets really loud,” I murmur.
    Dr. Lancaster writes Negative self-talk on the whiteboard. “Zoe?”
    â€œLike I told you yesterday,” Zoe says, looking bored, “I don’t have a problem with anxiety. Psychoanalyze me all you want. You won’t get anywhere.”
    Dr. Lancaster nods. “Okay then.” She starts talking about how when we experience those initial symptoms, we can anticipate the anxiety taking over. And using the techniques we’re going to explore while we’re here, we can defuse the tension and prepare to compete or perform more effectively.
    I lean forward in my seat, paying close attention. If my mom quizzes me about this tonight, I want to have something to tell her. Never mind how much my life would change if the techniques Dr. Lancaster is talking about actually work.
    They won’t work. Nothing will work. You’re stuck like this—
    I raise my hand. “When will we start practicing?”
    â€œPracticing what, Sam?”
    I list off a few of the things she mentioned. “Breathing. Mantras. Redirecting our nervous energy. All of it.”
    â€œEvery day that you’re here, you’ll be picking up new tactics to battle your anxiety. To become a stronger you.”
    A stronger you. Ha! Every day that you’re here, you’re getting weaker. Softer. Fatter—
    â€œWhat are we learning today?” I ask, talking over the voice in my head.
    â€œWe’re going to do another activity that might help youexpress what you’re feeling, in the event that talking about it is too hard. Have you ever heard the expression ‘A picture is worth a thousand words’?”
    â€œObviously,” Zoe grumbles. “We’re not idiots.”
    Dr. Lancaster ignores her. “You’ll have the next hour to create a collage that represents a situation that makes you anxious. Yasmin has turned the dining room into an art room for you, complete with scissors, glue, magazines, and more.”
    Now Zoe bursts out laughing. “It’s arts-and-crafts time at Crazy Camp!” Then she stops laughing, turning her face into a mask of concern. “Are you sure we’re allowed to have scissors? Isn’t that . . . dangerous?”
    â€œZoe,” Dr. Lancaster says sharply. “What did we discuss yesterday?”
    â€œI know, I know: don’t make fun of the process,” Zoe singsongs.
    In the dining room, we spread out, grabbing magazines and other supplies. Katie sits down next to me, and we both start flipping glossy pages.
    Jenna pulls out a chair across from us. “Sam?”
    I tense up but keep my expression calm and pleasant. “Yes, Jenna?”
    â€œI’d be interested in doing a ballet barre with you later. If you don’t mind.”
    â€œEven though you’re not here to make friends?” I