myself, This is what I want. Fresh fruit. Not butter and dough and icing. I pull off a segment and pop it into my mouth, biting down. The juice is sweet and tart.
I set the rest of the clementine aside on a paper towel. Every time the cinnamon roll smell threatens to overwhelm me, I eat another segment.
And bite by bite, I make it through the next hour.
THE MORNINGâS GROUP session is about anxiety triggers and symptoms. Dr. Lancaster has us call out how we feel in stressful situations. She writes down our ideas on the big whiteboard that appeared in the Dogwood Room overnight.
âI canât breathe,â Katie says. âAnd my heart beats so hard.â
âI get dizzy,â Omar adds.
âUpset stomach,â Jenna says primly.
After a long pause, Dominic says, â If I get really freaked outâand Iâm not saying I ever do, but, like, hypotheticallyâmy palms get all sweaty. I canât grip the ball.â He slouches in his seat and repeats, âHypothetically.â
âGood,â Dr. Lancaster says. âAnyone else?â
âThe voice in my head gets really loud,â I murmur.
Dr. Lancaster writes Negative self-talk on the whiteboard. âZoe?â
âLike I told you yesterday,â Zoe says, looking bored, âI donât have a problem with anxiety. Psychoanalyze me all you want. You wonât get anywhere.â
Dr. Lancaster nods. âOkay then.â She starts talking about how when we experience those initial symptoms, we can anticipate the anxiety taking over. And using the techniques weâre going to explore while weâre here, we can defuse the tension and prepare to compete or perform more effectively.
I lean forward in my seat, paying close attention. If my mom quizzes me about this tonight, I want to have something to tell her. Never mind how much my life would change if the techniques Dr. Lancaster is talking about actually work.
They wonât work. Nothing will work. Youâre stuck like thisâ
I raise my hand. âWhen will we start practicing?â
âPracticing what, Sam?â
I list off a few of the things she mentioned. âBreathing. Mantras. Redirecting our nervous energy. All of it.â
âEvery day that youâre here, youâll be picking up new tactics to battle your anxiety. To become a stronger you.â
A stronger you. Ha! Every day that youâre here, youâre getting weaker. Softer. Fatterâ
âWhat are we learning today?â I ask, talking over the voice in my head.
âWeâre going to do another activity that might help youexpress what youâre feeling, in the event that talking about it is too hard. Have you ever heard the expression âA picture is worth a thousand wordsâ?â
âObviously,â Zoe grumbles. âWeâre not idiots.â
Dr. Lancaster ignores her. âYouâll have the next hour to create a collage that represents a situation that makes you anxious. Yasmin has turned the dining room into an art room for you, complete with scissors, glue, magazines, and more.â
Now Zoe bursts out laughing. âItâs arts-and-crafts time at Crazy Camp!â Then she stops laughing, turning her face into a mask of concern. âAre you sure weâre allowed to have scissors? Isnât that . . . dangerous?â
âZoe,â Dr. Lancaster says sharply. âWhat did we discuss yesterday?â
âI know, I know: donât make fun of the process,â Zoe singsongs.
In the dining room, we spread out, grabbing magazines and other supplies. Katie sits down next to me, and we both start flipping glossy pages.
Jenna pulls out a chair across from us. âSam?â
I tense up but keep my expression calm and pleasant. âYes, Jenna?â
âIâd be interested in doing a ballet barre with you later. If you donât mind.â
âEven though youâre not here to make friends?â I