Free Hollywood is an All Volunteer Army by Steven Paul Leiva

himself he thinks you’re the finest film critic in America.” Lapham cringed a schoolboy cringe. I guess I wasn’t supposed to say anything. “It’s bothered him for years that you, a man whose critical acumen he so admires, did not like his films. So you now have what you’ve always wanted: Larry Lapham to desire you as much as you once desired Larry Lapham.”
    â€œAnd it’s only going to cost me two million dollars!”
    â€œLapham, shut up or I will have my associate here crush your windpipe.”
    Roee smiled and walked forward. Lapham shut his mouth.
    â€œHere’s what you’re getting for your two million dollars.” I turned to Jordan. “Although we were not on the air, we did videotape. The tape will be placed in my archives. If you don’t follow my instructions to the letter, I will release the tape to various news agencies with the wonderful story of how Robert Jordan got ‘stung.’ It will ruin your career. To avoid this, you will go home now and rewrite the text of your show that airs tonight, into a reconsideration of the films of Larry Lapham. You will tell your audience how, in viewing the brilliance of War of the Wimps , you were forced to reassess all of Lapham’s previous films. You will make a public apology for the pans you gave those films in the past, stating that now, with far more mature eyes, you realize that Larry Lapham is the premier comedy master of film in our era. You may, of course, exclude Litigators from your reassessment. We wouldn’t want you to be anything but honest. You will follow up tonight’s broadcast with your actual scheduled appearance on tomorrow’s This Day , during which you will give War of the Wimps the rave you truly think it deserves. Thus, you will set things right by Mr. Lapham, making him both a current success and rediscovered genius. As a residual benefit to yourself, you will enhance your reputation as a critic who is not only willing to reassess, but has the depth of thinking to look beyond considerations of good and bad box office to see the true value of a body of film work. For once, an American critic will have been there before the French.
    â€œAs a residual benefit for you,” I said turning to Lapham, “I’m going to give you a private viewing of this tape so you can see yourself as victimizer; as a man so consumed with self-righteous outrage you would stoop to this repulsive method of embarrassing and ruining a fellow human being. Vengeance—” Lapham’s eyes began to wander. “Listen to me!” I said it quite loud, snapping him back to me. “Hear me,” I said quite softly, “for I speak truth born from experience. Vengeance is only attractive in the conception—never in the execution.”
    Lapham and Jordan stood there thinking, slowly moving their eyes to each other, looking for the tie that now bound their fates together.
    â€œSo,” I said, “don’t you think it’s about time for the two of you to kiss and make up?”

Chapter Five

The Great White Pause

    Robert Jordan left to go home and write what was to become an Emmy-winning episode of his syndicated film review program, Meet Me at the Movies . Roee attended to the under-the-table payment of the staff in the cold hard cash of lore, soon, I’m afraid, to be completely replaced by digital denominations—more death of romance. I personally thanked Andrea, a lovely girl becoming woman. Without sacrificing the ominous, I tried to give her the proper positive reinforcement for a job well done. She may prove valuable in the future. Lapham hung around—like the nerd he once was, he seemed reluctant to leave the party. I had no choice but to come up to him, and say, “You know, these fine people are going to have to move very rapidly while striking the set, and you will be in the way.”
    â€œI