Free In Her Day by Rita Mae Brown

me?”
    Luke grunted.
    “You got a mouth, use it.”
    “I hear you for christ’s sake. I hear you. I don’t need you telling me I’m an asswipe. I already know it.”
    “Lukie, look at that house. My gawd, a small battalion could live in there. Can you imagine living like that?”
    “Ah, shit, Carole, that ain’t nothing. You should see them castles in Europe. Now that’s the way to live.”
    “While you were knocking the Nazis to hell maybe you should have liberated one little castle for yourself and the family.”
    “Yeah.”
    “Hey, what’s this little microphone here by the steering wheel.”
    “Pick it up and say something evil in it and find out.”
    “You’re nuts. Is this another one of your jokes?”
    “No, now come on. Say something—wait until we pass this old toad on the corner up there.”
    As they approached the white-haired gentleman, Carole, at her brother’s urging, spoke one of their favorite childhood insults: “Fartblossom.”
    To her amazement and acute discomfort the offending word blared for all the world to hear and heaven, too. The old man’s jaw fell like the gangplank of an amphibious landing craft.
    “Luke!” Carole hit the gas and sped from the scene of her crime.
    “Here give it to me.”
    “Oh, no, you don’t. I know what you’ll do. Luke, gimme that back. Gimme that.”
    “Giving you nothing.”
    Always clever with tools, Luke had engineered loudspeakersnext to his horns. To his eternal delight he could wreck anyone’s composure.
    “Watch me buzz this fucking Cadillac up here. Hey, you. Hey, you in that piece of expensive shit. Move over. Yes, you in the blue Cadillac, this is Richmond’s new police aerial control unit talking to you. You’re violating code number 84A. Pull over, an officer is on his way to greet you. Don’t try to run away. We have your license plate number.”
    The driver of the automobile pulled over and stuck his head out the window looking for this new, low flying craft. As the little Chevy rolled down the road he still sat there waiting for the police. Luke bellowed, slapping his muscular thigh. “Dumb, dumb. God, people are so dumb if you wrapped up shit in red cellophane they’d buy it. Lookit that rich bastard he’s still sitting there.” His face shone red with victory and laughter.
    “Luke, you beat all. Now gimme that back.”
    “I’m not giving it to you. I’m gonna have me some fun.”
    “Give it to me. I promise to play.”
    “You expect me to believe that?”
    “Honest, Luke. See that middle-aged lady walking up there in the feathered hat?”
    “Yes, I see her. I ain’t blind.”
    “You say you’re the voice of God and talk low like the preacher. I’ll go slow. Then when you’re done sanctifying her, give me the microphone.”
    Luke got so excited as they approached their target, his voice hit his shoes. “Sister. Sister, this is the voice of the Lord calling to thee. Do thee read me, sister?”
    Carole winced on the word
read
. “This isn’t a bombing mission.”
    Luke took the hint. “Sister, do thee hear the voiceof the Lord, thy God, the Lord of Hosts, the Father of the Lamb?”
    The woman’s pink hat bobbed up and down with recognition. As they still had not drawn even with her they couldn’t observe the look of wonder on her round face.
    “Sister of the pink hat I have shown myself to thee to tell thee, thee—yes, thee, thee—good woman, must save this godless country. Turn thy brethren from the worship of Mammon, turn thy brethren towards the path of righteousness. Consider thy past life as blackness, as Jonah swallowed by the whale of greed, selfishness, and spitefulness. Now come forth, good woman, come forth and spread my message to all America.”
    Coasting past the struck woman they noticed a look of utter shock. Luke started to giggle but he had the good sense to put his hand over the microphone.
    “Sister, if thee will do my will fall on thy knees and praise my glory.”
    She sank down like