Free Shelf Monkey by Corey Redekop

into a grotesque and horrific occurrence. We have been working hand-in-hand with Munroe’s company to develop Mr.Purvis’s life into a biography format for some time now. He has had a significant impact on our culture, and the recent events of his life notwithstanding, his story of struggle and redemption is a classic American tale that everyone involved with the production is very proud of. That’s why we are now raising the reward for any information that may help solve this horrendous crime.”
    Fox Television has pledged one hundred thousand dollars for information leading to the capture of any of the remaining fugitives in the Munroe Purvis case. “An arrest would provide a fine ending to the movie, we admit,” says Oxford. “But far more important to us is that a ruthless criminal be brought to justice.”
    As of this writing, insiders have pegged occasional
Family Feud
host and former
Home Improvement
co-star Richard Karn as the likely frontrunner to portray Mr. Purvis.
TO:  [email protected]
FROM:  [email protected]
SUBJECT:  The descent into the mouth of Hell
    Dear Eric, Amanda, tabloid journalists, and entertainment lawyers;
    If there is to be a bidding war for my story, please go as high as possible. Take them for all they’ll cough up. Ewan MacGregor must portray me in the movie, understand? I will not accept a lesser actor to properly breathe life into the anguish I feel the part demands. No sitcom second bananas, no
Full House
refugees or
21 Jump Street
hasbeens. No, I need someone with the gravitas of Obi-Wan Kenobi and the insouciance of an Irvine Welsh junkie. I demand one hundred thousand dollars up front, plus two percent of the gross if I am innocent in a court of law, not the court of popular opinion. A real judge, not Judge Judy. If MacGregor isn’t available, I’m flexible. Jake Gyllenhaal, Tobey Maguire, Jude Law, or Topher Grace will be adequate. All right, that
Dawson’s Creek
dude with the crescent-shaped head, but that’s as far as I am willing to go.
    On second thought, maybe forget the
Jump Street
thing, get Johnny Depp.
    The First Day
    What you might call my spiritual awakening.
    I tell you, Eric, some people don’t deserve the privilege of literacy.
    I’m dressed for the occasion. Comfortable Hush Puppies. Eddie Bauer shirt and slacks. Clean socks and underwear. Hair stylishly mussed. Unsightly yet mandatory employees-only vest with Hello My Name is Thomas May I Help You badge on the pocket. Handful of happy pills dancing with fried eggs and toast in my stomach. Lookin’ sharp! So sharp, I arrived ten minutes late.
    Every morning, Page held a quick employee meeting before opening the doors to the masses. Usually these were perfunctory events — customers good, browsers bad, sales important, push Munroe’s latest discovery, blah, blah. Luckily I managed to slink in undetected and take a place directly behind Warren. Hopefully my years of camouflage training in high school would allow me tosuddenly appear on everybody’s radar, yet be dismissed as having already been present since the beginning and simply hidden behind the living landmass.
    “Now, this week’s club,” Page was saying. “Warren, it’s your turn to lead the group.” Warren jerked reflexively, and was about to protest when Page stopped him short. “Don’t bother to argue, I’m not in the mood. You know the schedule, everyone has to lead the book club at some point, and it’s your turn. I’ve got a copy of this week’s choice,
The Love Market
, in my office. It’s the new Munroe, and it will sell like gangbusters, so I want to promote it to the hilt. Pick it up before you leave today, and I expect you to have read it thoroughly before Wednesday night.”
    “Could I switch with Heather?” Warren swung his chin toward a woman standing nearer the front. “She’s much better at that sort of thing. Besides, I don’t know anything about talking to those people.”
    “I don’t mind, Page,”