Free Keeper'n Me by Richard Wagamese Page B

treaty rights too.”
    Jane said, “Even though Ma really loved this guy, she loved you more, even though she hadn’t seen you in years. So she wouldn’t marry Joe until she knew you were old enough not to lose your rights. Law’s changing now, s’all gonna be diff’rent, but Ma stuck to her gunsback then. Joe, he couldn’t understand an’ he left, hasn’t been back.”
    I didn’t know for sure what all this treaty rights business was all about but it made me feel proud, like I really meant something to someone all these years, like I was special.
    â€œMa never gave up and she never forgot,” Stanley said. “Never got sad ’bout Joe leavin’ either on accounta she loved you more and she knew you’d be back.”
    â€œBut how could she know? I never knew. You never knew. No one knew. Hell, I was gettin’ kinda happy livin’ where I was livin’ and with who I was with. This was never a plan.”
    â€œI don’t know either, Garnet. I don’t know either,” Stanley said. “Ma just sorta followed the feelin’ she had. Stick around, you’ll see lotsa stuff’ll kinda make you wonder.”
    â€œIt still doesn’t tell me why she isn’t here,” I said. “Hell, I’m scared too.”
    â€œOf what?” Jane asked.
    I thought carefully. “I’m scared that she won’t like me because I’m not like you guys. Not Indian. I grew up different. Hell, I’ve been living black for about five years now and I just got outta the penitentiary! How are you supposed to be proud of a son like that? Non-Indian, ex-con, James Brown–lookin’ nowhere kinda guy. That’s how I feel right now. And shit, if you want to know the truth, more than anything I’m scared that if my own mother doesn’t like me where the hell do I go from here?If I don’t fit in here, where can I? I wish you hadn’t found me, Stanley.”
    They both watched me as all of this tumbled out. Looking at them that day I could see little parts of my face on theirs. My little turned-up grin, squinty kinda eyes, my cheekbones, my chin and a way of holding their heads tilted I first noticed in my mugshot.
    â€œFirst of all, you’ve always been an Indian, man,” Stanley said, touching me on the shoulder and smiling. “Always have been and always will be. The Creator’s the only one can change that and he ain’t likely to. Maybe you learned diff’rent than us, maybe you think diff’rent right now, but that’s all just influence, man. You spend some time here you get diff’rent influences and maybe somethin’ll wake up inside you again. ’Cause it never disappeared. It’s just been put to sleep by other stuff’s been workin’ on your spirit. But if you leave, man, that thing might never wake up. You might never get handed those missin’ pieces of your puzzle.
    â€œSecond thing is, Ma’s got just as many things runnin’ through her head right now as you do. A woman don’t go through all the things that Ma went through for twenty years and just up and be prepared to face somethin’ like this. You got the easy part, pal. You never hadta live with the memory of a baby in your belly or the feelin’ of bein’ responsible for losin’ it.”
    We sat on that rock until the sun went down. We sat there in silence thinking our own thoughts and catching each other peeking at the others every now and then outof the corner of our eyes. I wanted to cry. Wanted to lay right down on that big flat rock and bawl my eyes out. Wanted to look up into the haunting blue of that evening sky and bawl and bawl and bawl. Wanted to rip the lining off whatever’d been holding my insides in all these years and spill everything.
    â€œWow,” said Jane finally, when those northern lights started wriggling around above us. “Wow.”
    Later