Free Brains for the Zombie Soul (a parody) by Michelle Hartz Page A

married and get a house out in the
country.” Now on the balcony, Ronaldo dropped to one knee. “Julia,
will you marry me?”
    “Oh yes, yes!” she tried to exclaim as quietly
as possible. “Oh no.”
    “What?”
    “Who will we get to marry us? Isn’t it still
illegal for humans and zombies to marry?”
    “My friend Larry got ordained online. We’re not
far from the border, we can go up to Canada to get married.”
Ronaldo was already planning it all in his head.
    The next day, Julia packed a bag, including her
prom dress, and waited in the back alley. Ronaldo and Larry pulled
up, she hopped in the back, and they took a road trip to the
border. They were married and back in a day. On the way to the
Cavender household, they dropped Larry off and picked up Ronaldo’s
friend, Marc.
    When they got back, Julia slipped inside, but
her cousin Ty caught Ronaldo and Marc pulling out of the alley.
“What the fuck were you doing at the party?” Ty yelled while
pointing a gun at Ronaldo.
    “Whoa dude, I didn’t do anything,” Ronaldo said,
putting his hands up to show he was unarmed. This was his cousin
now too, he thought.
    “Don’t be such a pussy,” said Marc, and he got
out of the car. “You want some of this, huh?” he said, chest out,
to Ty.
    Ty walked up to him so they were chest to chest.
“Bring it on buddy.”
    Ronaldo got between them, trying to break them
apart. During the struggle, he hit Ty’s gun hand with the gun,
which discharged into Marc’s chest.
    “Oh my god, oh my god,” Ronaldo yelled, slowly
losing his sanity. In his distress, he picked up the gun and blew
off Ty’s head, ensuring that the zombie couldn’t come back to
life.
    At this time, the sheriff, Ronaldo’s uncle,
arrived on the scene. Ronaldo tried to turn himself in, but his
uncle let him go, thinking that Ty had just killed Marc.
    After sunset, Ronaldo sneaked back up to Julia’s
room. They secretly made love through the whole night. He managed
to sneak out of her room just in time in the morning, right before
her mom opened her door to wake her up.
    To hide the flush of her cheeks from the
afterglow of her and Ronaldo’s night together, Julia acted as if
she were crying into her pillow. She let out a sob as she heard
Ronaldo hit the ground to cover the sounds of him getting away.
    “Aw, I know you miss your cousin Ty. Don’t
worry, we’ll get revenge on them.”
    At that, Julia really did let out a sob, worried
about the fate of her new husband. Her mom rubbed her back and
said, “I have a surprise for you. I’ll be right back.”
    She returned with a beautiful white wedding
dress. At the sight of it, Julia burst into renewed sobs. “I know,
it’s beautiful, isn’t it?” Mrs. Cavender said. “Everything is
arranged for you to marry Patrick this weekend. You’ll be a
beautiful bride!”
    Julia couldn’t reply. “I know, you’ve got a lot
of emotion to work through,” her mom said reassuringly. “I’ll leave
you alone in here for a while. Then we can make the reservations
for your hair and you can try on the dress.”
    As soon as her mom was away, Julia climbed out
her window and went over to Larry’s. He opened the door, and inside
there was a haze of smoke. “Is Ronaldo here?” she asked.
    “No, I haven’t seen him today.” He stopped to
take a pull from a hand rolled cigarette. He offered it to Julia,
but she declined. “What’s wrong?”
    “My mom is planning for me to marry someone else
this weekend,” she said between sobs.
    “But you’re already married to Ronaldo,” he
said.
    “Duh!” she replied.
    “Well, you’re a zombie, right?”
    “Duh!” she said again.
    “Then just play dead. Here, take a couple of
these.” He handed her some pills. “They’ll knock your ass out for a
few hours. It’ll make you look like you finally crossed over to the
afterlife.”
    “What about Ronaldo? Will you tell him the
plan?”
    “Sure,” said Larry, and Julia went home. But
Ronaldo didn’t