Free Brains for the Zombie Soul (a parody) by Michelle Hartz Page B

come home that day, intending to spend the next
night with Julia again.
    So that night, when he went to her room, he
found her dressed in the wedding gown and laid out on a pedestal
with her arms crossed over her chest. He watched from the window as
her mother and family, all dressed in black and in tears over
Julia’s unmoving body, finally left the room.
    Ronaldo went into the room and tried to shake
Julia awake, but she wouldn’t respond. He was convinced, like her
family was, that Julia was finally gone for good. In his grief, he
pulled out a knife and slit his wrists, dying right next to his
love.
    When the sleeping pills wear off, Julia woke up
in the middle of the night to find her love lying dead on the floor
in a pool of his own blood. She summoned everything she knew about
zombieism, and made him into a zombie.
    Now that Ronaldo is a zombie, the Murillos
became more accepting of the undead. And now that he was one of
them, the Cavenders accepted him as part of the family.
    Julia and Ronaldo got a nice house in the
country and lived together in legal wedded bliss.

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TOC)

    ****

    The Locket
    Lowell
didn’t go anywhere without wearing the locket.
    When he was 22, he asked the girl of his dreams
out on a date, and she accepted. The date went wonderfully, and he
asked her on a second. Then a third. And so they were dating.
    One day, they moved in together. It was a tiny
little apartment with stained carpet, but they were in love, so it
was perfect. They cooked meals together, spent Sunday mornings in
bed together, and stayed up talking into the night.
    For their first anniversary, he gave her a
locket. She cut off a clip of his hair and put it inside. The
locket stayed on her chain around her neck. She didn’t go anywhere
without wearing the locket.
    And then, one night when she was driving home
from work in winter, her car hit a patch of black ice and slid off
the road. It tumbled down a cliff and into a ravine. It wasn’t
found for days. When the car was finally found, she was gone,
leaving nothing behind but the remains of the car, her locket
hanging from the rearview mirror.
    Lowell put the chain around his own neck, went
back to their apartment and locked himself inside from his despair.
He didn’t eat, he didn’t drink, he didn’t sleep, and he didn’t
leave the house. He wasted away to nothing, and eventually died,
yet he still got no rest.
    Finally, he started leaving the house to go on
walks, but he never took the locket off. He would walk and walk
until his legs seemed ready to fall off.
    Months later, he was walking on a rainy day, and
walked right into someone else. He didn’t apologize, he didn’t look
up, he just kept walking. “Wait,” said a female voice.
    He stopped in his tracks. She sounded just like
his long lost love. The bones in his neck popped as he looked up.
There she stood, just as beautiful as the last day he saw her. She
was even wearing the same dress, although now it was significantly
tattered and worn. He saw the wound on her head. The crash must’ve
killed her instantly.
    “My love,” she asked. “Are you a zombie
too?”
    “Yes,” he said, tears of joy streaming down his
cheeks. “Now we can be together forever.” And he put the necklace
back around her neck.

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TOC)

    ****

    Lost Lovers

    Dear
Kevin,
    I just want to apologize for the way I reacted
yesterday. I hadn’t expected to see you at Denise’s. It caught me
off guard.
    It wasn’t my intention to ignore or avoid you, I
just didn’t know what to say.
    I know we didn’t have the best relationship when
we were dating, but I must admit, I still miss you. Before you were
a lover, you were a great friend. I miss our long talks and having
your shoulder to lean on.
    I’m sorry things ended the way they did, but I’m
happy to have met you.
    Sincerely,
    Cindy
    ------
    Dear Cindy,
    Thank you for writing. I can understand why you
would be caught off guard. I wasn’t sure what to say either.