Free Aunts Aren't Gentlemen by Sir P G Wodehouse Page A

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few desultory exchanges I left them and resumed my walk.
    It is always difficult to estimate the time two sundered
hearts, unexpectedly reunited, will require for picking up the
threads. To be on the safe side I gave Orlo and Vanessa about
an hour and a half, and when I returned to the cottage I found
I had called my shots correctly. Both had legged it.
    I was still much perplexed by that utterance of Angelica
Briscoe's. The more I brooded on it, the more cryptic, if that's
the word, it became. 'Has he brought it yet?', I mean to say.
Has who? Brought what? I called Jeeves in, to see what he
made of it.
    'Tell me, Jeeves,' I said. 'Suppose you were in a shop taking By Order Of The Czar out of the lending library and a clergyman's
daughter came in and without so much as a preliminary
"Hullo, there", said to you, "Has he brought it yet?", what
interpretation would you place on those words?'
    He pondered, this way and that dividing the swift mind, as
I have heard him put it.
    ' "Has he brought it yet", sir?'
    'Just that.'
    'I should reach the conclusion that the lady was expecting a
male acquaintance to have arrived or to be arriving shortly
bearing some unidentified object.'
    'Exactly what I thought. What unidentified object we shall
presumably learn in God's good time.'
    'No doubt, sir.'
    'We must wait patiently till all is revealed.'
    'Yes, sir.'
    'In the meantime, pigeon-holing that for the moment, did
Miss Cook and Mr Porter have their conference all right?'
    'Yes, sir, they conversed for some time.'
    'In low, throbbing voices?'
    'No, sir, the voices of both lady and gentleman became
noticeably raised.'
    'Odd. I thought lovers generally whispered.'
    'Not when an argument is in progress, sir.'
    'Good Lord. Did they have an argument?'
    'A somewhat acrimonious one, sir, plainly audible in the
kitchen, where I was reading the volume of Spinoza which you
so kindly gave me for Christmas. The door happened to be ajar.'
    'So you were an earwitness?'
    'Throughout, sir.'
    'Tell me all, Jeeves.'
    'Very good, sir. I must begin by explaining that Mr Cook is
trustee for a sum of money left to Mr Porter by his late uncle,
who appears to have been a partner of Mr Cook in various
commercial enterprises.'
    'Yes, I know about that. Porter told me.'
    'Until Mr Cook releases this money Mr Porter is in no
position to marry. I gathered that his present occupation is not
generously paid.'
    'He's an insurance salesman. Didn't I tell you that I had
taken out an accident policy with him?'
    'Not that I recall, sir.'
    'And a life policy as well, both for sums beyond the dreams
of avarice. He talked me into it. But I mustn't interrupt you.
Go on telling me all.'
    'Very good, sir. Miss Cook was urging Mr Porter to
demand an interview with her father.'
    'In order to make him cough up?'
    'Precisely, sir. "Be firm", I heard her say. "Throw your
weight about. Look him in the eye and thump the table."'
'She specified that?'
    'Yes, sir.'
    'To which he replied?'
    'That any time he started thumping tables in the presence of
Mr Cook you could certify him as mentally unbalanced and
ship him off to the nearest home for the insane – or loony-bin,
as he phrased it.'
    'Strange.'
    'Sir?'
    'I wouldn't have thought Porter would have shown such
what-is-it.'
    'Would pusillanimity be the word for which you are
groping, sir?'
    'Quite possibly. I know it begins with pu. I said it was
strange because I hadn't supposed these knights in shining
armour were afraid of anything.'
    'Apparently they make an exception in the case of Mr Cook.
I gathered from your account of your visit to Eggesford Court
that he is a gentleman of somewhat formidable personality.'
    'You gathered right. Ever hear of Captain Bligh of the
Bounty?'
    'Yes, sir. I read the book.'
    'I saw the movie. Ever hear of Jack the Ripper?'
    'Yes, sir.'
    'Put them together and what have you got? Cook. It's that
hunting crop of his chiefly. You can face a man with fortitude
if he has simply got the disposition of a