Free Aunts Aren't Gentlemen by Sir P G Wodehouse Page B

dyspeptic rattlesnake
and confines himself to coarse abuse, but put a hunting crop in
his hand and that spells trouble. It was a miracle that I escaped
from Eggesford Court with my trouser seat unscathed. But go
on, Jeeves. What happened then?'
    'May I marshal my thoughts, sir?'
    'Certainly. Marshal them all you want.'
    'Thank you, sir. One aims at coherence.'
    Marshalling his thoughts took between twenty and thirty
seconds. At the end of that period he resumed his blow-by-
blow report of the dust-up between Vanessa Cook and
O. J. Porter, which was beginning to look like the biggest
thing that had happened since Gene Tunney and Jack
Dempsey had their dispute at Chicago.
    'It was almost immediately after Mr Porter's refusal to go to
Mr Cook and thump tables that Miss Cook introduced the cat
into the conversation.'
    'Cat? What cat?'
    'The one you met at Eggesford Court, with which the horse
Potato Chip formed such a durable friendship. Miss Cook was
urging Mr Porter to purloin it.'
    'Golly!'
    'Yes, sir. The female of the species is more deadly than the
male.'
    Neatly put, I thought.
    'Your own?' I said.
    'No, sir. A quotation.'
    'Well, carry on,' I said, thinking what a lot of good things
Shakespeare had said in his time. Female of species deadlier
than male. You had only to think of my Aunt Agatha and
spouse to realize the truth of this. 'I get the idea, Jeeves. Porter,
in possession of the cat, would have a bargaining point with
Cook when it came to discussing trust funds.'
    'Precisely, sir. Rem acu tetigisti .'
    'So I take it that he is now at Eggesford Court putting the
bite on old Captain Bligh.'
    'No, sir. His refusal to do as Miss Cook asked was unequivocal.
"Not in a million years" was the expression he used.'
    'Not a very co-operative bloke, this O. J. Porter.'
    'No, sir.'
    'A bit like Balaam's ass,' I said, referring to one of the
dramatis personae who had figured in the examination paper
the time I won the Scripture Knowledge prize at my private
school. 'If you recall, it too dug in its feet and refused to play
ball.'
    'Yes, sir.'
    'That must have made Miss Cook as sore as a sunburned
neck.'
    'I did gather from her remarks that she was displeased. She
accused Mr Porter of being a lily-livered poltroon, and said
that she never wished to speak to him again or hear from him
by letter, telegram or carrier pigeon.'
    'Pretty final.'
    'Yes, sir.'
    I didn't actually heave a sigh, but I sort of half-heaved one.
    To a man of sensibility there is always something sort of sad
about young love coming a stinker on the rocks. Myself, I
couldn't imagine anyone wanting to marry Orlo Porter and it
would have jarred me to the soles of my socks if I had had to
marry Vanessa Cook, but they had unquestionably been all for
teaming up, and it seemed a shame that harsh words had come
between them and the altar rails.
    However, there was this to be said in favour of the rift, that
it would do Vanessa all the good in the world to find that she
had come up against someone she couldn't say 'Go' to and he
goeth, as the fellow said. I mentioned this to Jeeves, and he
agreed that there was that aspect to the matter.
    'Show her that she isn't Cleopatra or somebody.'
    'Very true, sir.'
    I would gladly have continued our conversation, but I knew
he must be wanting to get back to his Spinoza. No doubt I had
interrupted him just as Spinoza was on the point of solving the
mystery of the headless body on the library floor.
    'Right-ho, Jeeves,' I said. 'That'll be all for the moment.'
    'Thank you, sir.'
    'If any solution of that "Has he brought it yet?" thing occurs
to you, send me an inter-office memo.'
    I spoke lightly, but I wasn't feeling so dashed light. Those
cryptic words of Angelica Briscoe had shaken me. They
seemed to suggest that things were going on behind my back
which weren't likely to dome any good. I had suffered so much
in the past from girls of Angelica's age starting something –
Stiffy Byng is a name that springs to the mind – that I