Free Cloudy with a Chance of Love by Fiona Collins

drink.’
    â€˜You’re seeing a lot of interest already, Sam. Are you sure it’s not you who’s going to fall in love by Friday?
    â€˜No,’ she said, ‘it’s you. Don’t give up hope. The night is yet young. You’ll meet someone tonight – I can feel it in my water.’
    â€˜You and your water!’ I said affectionately, rolling my eyes.
    â€˜My water has never been wrong,’ nodded Sam. ‘Trust me.’
    Macca – no shoes – strode on over holding a large rosé, and a lemonade for me.
    â€˜Thank you,’ we said in unison.
    â€˜No problem, ladies,’ he said in a deep voice. ‘I look forward to seeing you both at the tables, shortly. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go for a wazz. The old pipework’s not what it used to be.’
    I pretended to swoon and said, in a Scarlett O’Hara southern drawl, ‘I do de clare , what a dashing young man! Romance is surely not dead!’
    â€˜Ha, ha, Daryl, you crack me up.’
    â€˜Well, really!’ I said. ‘A “wazz”? I’m not going to meet anyone here tonight. Neither of us are going to meet anyone here tonight.’
    â€˜Daryl,’ said Sam sternly. ‘There are probably lots of great men in here.’
    â€˜Really?’ I said petulantly. ‘Well I can’t see any of them.’
    â€˜That’s because you’re not looking properly. You have to see past the outfits. The dodgy make-up and wigs. The… love-handles and gammy legs. They’re all right here, Daryl. You just need to open your eyes to them!’ She gestured round her, with a sweeping hand, while my eyes rolled so much they probably resembled a fruit machine. ‘Stop it Daryl! Your glass needs to be half full, not half empty! Open your heart!’ I looked at our glasses. Her glass of rosé was nearly all gone. I had barely sipped my lemonade. I really should be getting drunk to get through this tonight. Why had I brought my bloody car?
    â€˜I know I said I wanted to date,’ I whined, ‘but it’s all so overwhelming. What am I supposed to say to all these men?’’
    â€˜Nothing, until Round Three…’ said Sam. ‘Look, just chat, be your lovely funny self. Do what comes naturally and don’t worry about flirting . If it’s in the stars, it’s in the stars. He’ll come your way.’
    â€˜ If you build it, they will come ?’
    â€˜Something like that.’
    â€˜And how come it’s not written in your stars tonight? Why is it only going to be me that meets someone?’
    â€˜It’s not hot enough in here – they’re being a bit over-zealous with the air-con.’
    I laughed.
    â€˜Enjoy yourself,’ said Sam. ‘Try and get into it.’
    I thought back to my four resolutions in front of the fountain at Trafalgar Square. Enjoy my freedom was one of them; I’d forgotten that. I should try and enjoy myself.
    â€˜Okay, for you, Sam, I’m going to try and get into it.’
    â€˜Fabulous!’
    I didn’t really want to mime at these men, stare into their eyes, marry them and have Speed Date babies, even if that was still biologically possible, but for Sam I’d give it a go.
    Suddenly a horrible klaxon thing sounded. Nigel was standing back at the mike, with the stance of an old time singer. He looked like he might break into a croon at any second, like Tony Bennett. Isobel was at his side, beaming and stuffing her cleavage into her dress with a gloved hand. ‘Singles!’ he boomed. ‘Please take a seat and let’s find you your destiny!’
    Sam grinned. I groaned. Here goes nothing, I thought. I plastered a great big smile on my face and walked over to the tables.

Chapter Six
    I suffered a Freddie Mercury, a Frank Sinatra and an Elvis all in the space of nine minutes. It should possibly be re-named speed hating , as they were all bloody awful,