Free Not Looking For Love: Episode 1 by Lena Bourne Page B

stands there watching me; I can feel his gaze on my back like a soft summer breeze.  
    It takes forever before the mattress finally wobbles as he climbs in beside me. He smells of soap and toothpaste. He'll fall asleep, and then I'll leave. I don't want to talk. I just want to lie here in this vortex, where time has no meaning.
    He moves nearer, and I feel his breath on my shoulder as he pulls the blanket over my back. I stay completely still and keep my breaths completely even. He slides closer still, and places his arm over me, balancing it against my thigh. For all its weight, it's as light as a sheet. I close my eyes.  
    We can stay like that for now. Not what I wanted, but I don't want it to stop either.
    "I think your phone's ringing, Gail," he whispers like he knew I was awake all along.  
    I jerk up and look behind me. The buzzing is there again, and this time I know it for what it is. My phone, not the moth.  
    He lifts his arm, and I scurry off the foot of the bed, digging in my coat pocket. Dad's smiling face is flashing at me and suddenly I can't breathe.  
    But it won't stop ringing just because I don't want to pick up. I press the green button and hold the phone to my ear, already sobbing.
    "Where are you, Gail?" my dad says. "Mom's at the hospital. Come."
      "OK," I mutter, feeling like this is the first day of school and I'm on my own, pretending to be brave, wanting to make my parents proud.

CHAPTER EIGHT

    Dad's called me four times already. I could already be too late to say goodbye to Mom.
    My hands are shaking as I run them across the floor, looking for my clothes. Only I have no clothes. I came here in my underwear, chasing something I don't even want. Panic grips me. I have no time to go home and change. Mom might be dead by then. She could be dying right now, and I'm frozen, thinking about what to wear. The familiar, terrifying abyss opens in my mind, sending the room spinning, feeding off my panic, turning the world to churning, bottomless darkness.  
    Scott turns on the light, and the sudden brightness pierces me like a knife. I'm seeing the room as though I'm looking through wet glass, but I won't let the tears flow, I won't cry. I'm rigid, my body so hard I might snap at any moment. I try to take long, deep breaths, but they catch in my throat, no air getting through.
    "What's wrong, Gail?" Scott asks, his face right next to mine.  
    "My mom...I have to get to the hospital," I manage to say. I finally find my panties and rock back to put them on. My hands are shaking so hard, I can't even pull on my panties, let alone stand.  
    Scott gets up and pulls me to my feet. I finally manage to get dressed, tying the belt of my coat as tight as I can, the fabric digging into my waist. This is all I was wearing, because I am totally insane, and now I have to go to the hospital, say goodbye to my mom forever, wearing only underwear, the gardener's sperm still inside me, running down my leg. It's all too much. Thoughts jumble together in my head, bounce off each other, and the room keeps spinning. I don't know where I am, why, who? I can't let it go, and I can't think.
    Scott's already got his jeans on. "I'll take you."
    I don't want him too, but I can't see straight, can't breathe. I'm as brittle as a twig; a breeze could break me.  
    I jam my car keys into his hand and turn to walk out. My legs feel like lead, I can hardly lift them to take a step. Scott catches me as I nearly topple down the stairs, doesn't let go as we exit the building. It's too soon. The two months are not up yet. There's still four days left.  
    "Which hospital?" he asks as he pulls the seat belt over me.  
    I mumble the name.  
    Lights flash by, and he must be doing at least 200 on the thruway, weaving though the traffic, making me nauseous.  
    I open the window, but don't tell him to slow down.  
    The cold air feels like a slap, a belated one. I turn my face into the wind, let it beat against me, clear my head and blow