Free Marjorie Farrel by Miss Ware's Refusal Page A

with the duke with both pain and anger in her heart. She was very quiet at breakfast and shortly thereafter sought out the library for a place to be alone.
    She spent some time randomly pulling books down from the shelves, and then she gave up. She could not concentrate. She moved over to the windows and stood gazing out at the gray day. The weather was becoming warmer and the snow was melting. The pristine whiteness was no longer. The snow was dirty, and Judith felt herself sinking into self-pity. But it is not fair, she thought. It is too hard. If I were a man, I would not have to become someone’s servant.
    She did not hear the door open. She was utterly sunk, and tears were beginning to slide down her cheeks.
    Simon said her name softly and, when she didn’t respond, moved closer and called her again. Judith started, and he apologized for disturbing her privacy. She muttered something and tried to wipe her eyes quickly with the back of her hand.
    “I fear I startled you, Judith. Is something wrong?”
    “No, no,” she said, still facing the window.
    “I do not wish to intrude, but it is clear you are upset. Can I help in any way?”
    “No, your grace,” said Judith, turning around.
    “I thought we had agreed to be informal?”
    “Yes, your ... I mean, Simon. I am ashamed of myself. I was just indulging in a bout of self-pity. Our holiday has been so pleasant that I will hate to leave.”
    “You do not, I think, return to school with Barbara?”
    “No, I have a position as a governess in Hertfordshire. My own school days are over.”
    “And do you not find that hard? Watching your friends go back to a carefree existence?”
    Simon’s ready sympathy touched Judith, and she lost all sense of decorum. Instead of hypocritically denying her anger, as a well-bred young woman should, she said, with a mixture of anger and grief, “Yes, I do find it hard. Had my father lived, I would have a home to go to. Might even have been brought out, had we petitioned a distant relative. But now, I must live among strangers until Stephen is down from school. I have never been so aware of the injustice in being female.”
    “I feel rather presumptuous in attempting to offer you comfort,” said Simon, “but in a small way I do know how you feel. When I was younger, I felt very trapped by my position. I wanted the freedom to be myself, and not the Duke of Sutton. I was quite ready to chuck it all at one point and go live in a Godwin-like household!”
    Judith smiled through her tears. “Surely your parents would have been horrified.”
    “They were already gone, which, I suppose, made it seem like a real possibility.”
    “Whatever kept you from it?”
    “I decided that if I was born to a title, then perhaps a more useful thing to do with it than give it away to my third cousin was to use the influence I had for those causes I believed in. My ideas have modified a bit over the years, since the outcome of the revolution in France must needs give everyone pause, but I don’t think I flatter myself in believing I have done some good. I have also developed a sort of philosophy over the years. I believe we are all limited in some way, after all, merely by being human. I think we find freedom in our acceptance of necessity. Of course, it is far easier, I realize, to hold to this philosophy in a position such as mine,” said Simon apologetically. “If there were some way for me to help you, I would. But I could hardly take you under my protection without ruining your reputation.”
    Judith smiled at him. “Oh, there is nothing anyone can do, your grace. And indeed, I am being quite foolish. I have already made up my mind to what I must do, and this is only a moment of weakness. Three years is not forever, after all. I will see my brother occasionally and then I shall be free. I do not truly want to live the life of a lady of fashion. I just find myself, at times, wanting things that I don’t really want, if that makes any sense