Free Free-Range Chickens by Simon Rich Page A

Well…actually…I kind of had plans tonight.
    PARKING ATTENDANT: Are you
excluding
him?
    MRS. HERSON: No, of course not!
(Sighs.)
Here’s my address, sir. The party starts at eight.
    ALBERT ROSENBLATT: I’ll show up a little early.
    MRS. HERSON: What’s that on your face?
    ALBERT ROSENBLATT: Mucus. I haven’t learned how to blow my nose yet, so I just go around like this all the time.
    MRS. HERSON: Oh.
    ALBERT ROSENBLATT: I’ll see you soon, inside of your house.

My top secret seventh-grade diary
    TUESDAY
    Beware! If ye hath stumbled upon this secret tome, ye must put it downeth immediately! Thine eyes are not meant to readeth these words! Indeed, if thy continue to readeth, a most horrible curse shall fall upon your very soul!
    Today I went to school. Afterwards I watched Charles in Charge and Murphy Brown.
    WEDNESDAY
    Beware! He who readeth this scripture will surely come to a horrible end, for these precious words exist for mine eyes—and mine eyes alone!
    Went to school, came home, watched Charles in Charge, Murphy Brown and The Hogan Family.
    THURSDAY
    O heavenly beasts, with horns of iron and wings of steel, I summon you to earth to unleash your wicked torments upon they who dare to readeth these words! Curse them! Curse them a thousand times over! For to read this consecrated tome is to rip open mine heart and feast upon its sacred truths!
    Charles in Charge, Murphy Brown, The Hogan Family, Three’s Company, Murphy Brown rerun, The Hogan Family.
    FRIDAY
    Oh my God, I just found out they’re canceling The Hogan Family. I don’t know what to do. My fingers are shaking so much it’s hard to hold the pencil. I’ve been crying for three straight hours and I can’t make myself stop. There’s a chance they might show reruns in the summer but I’m not even sure if they’ll do that. I’ve never felt so lonely and scared in my entire life. My Mom’s going to get home from work soon and I’m going to have to go out there and smile and somehow pretend like everything’s all right. But on the inside I’ll be screaming at the top of my lungs, screaming with anger and fear. It’s times like this that I wonder if you even exist, God. Where were you today? Just hanging out? Well, guess what? The Hogan Family was
canceled.
The third best show of the year, gone forever. Like so much dust in the wind.
    SATURDAY
    Who’s the Boss marathon.

Frogs
    —Hey, can I ask you something? Why do human children dissect us?
    —It’s part of their education. They cut open our bodies in school and write reports about their findings.
    —Huh. Well, I guess it could be worse, right? I mean, at least we’re not dying in vain.
    —How do you figure?
    —Well…our deaths are furthering the spread of knowledge. It’s a huge sacrifice we’re making, but at least some good comes out of it.
    —Let me show you something.
    —What’s this?
    —It’s a frog dissection report.
    —Who wrote it?
    —A fourteen-year-old human from New York City. Some kid named Simon.
    —
(flipping through it)
This is it? This is the whole thing?
    —Uh-huh.
    —Geez…it doesn’t look like he put a whole lot of time into this.
    —Look at the diagram on the last page.
    —Oh my God…it’s so
crude.
It’s almost as if he wasn’t even looking down at the paper while he was drawing it. Like he was watching
TV
or something.
    —Read the conclusion.
    —
In conclusion, frogs are a scientific wonder of biology.
What does that even mean?
    —It doesn’t mean anything.
    —Why are the margins so big?
    —He was trying to make it look as if he had written five pages, even though he had only written four.
    —He couldn’t come up with one more page of observations about our dead bodies?
    —I guess not.
    —This paragraph looks like it was copied straight out of an encyclopedia. I’d be shocked if he retained any of this information.
    —Did you see that he spelled “science” wrong in the heading?
    —Whoa…I missed that. That’s incredible.
    —He