Free Free-Range Chickens by Simon Rich

A conversation between the people who hid in my closet every night when I was seven
    FREDDY KRUEGER: When do you guys want to kill him?
    MURDERER FROM THE SIX O’CLOCK NEWS: How about right now?
    DEAD UNCLE WHOSE BODY I SAW AT AN OPEN CASKET FUNERAL: I say we do it when he gets up to pee. You know, when he’s walking down the hallway, in the dark.
    FREDDY KRUEGER: What if he doesn’t get up?
    MURDERER: He’ll get up. Look at how he’s squirming. It’s only a matter of time.
    DEAD UNCLE: Man, I cannot
wait
to kill this kid.
    MURDERER: Same here.
    FREDDY KRUEGER: I’ve wanted to kill him ever since he saw my movie.
    DEAD UNCLE: Hey, do you guys remember that night-light Simon used to have?
    MURDERER: Man, that thing scared the heck out of me.
    FREDDY KRUEGER: It’s a good thing his mom got rid of it. Now there’s nothing to stop us from killing him.
    (Everyone nods in agreement.)
    DR. MURPHY: Hey, guys, sorry I’m late. I was busy scheduling an appointment with Simon, to give him shots.
    FREDDY KRUEGER: No problem.
    (Freddy Krueger and Dr. Murphy do their secret handshake.)
    MURDERER: It’s getting kind of crowded in here. Chucky, can you move over?
    CHUCKY: I’m over as far as I can get.
    MURDERER: I need more space than you’re giving me. I’m a lot bigger than you.
    CHUCKY: Are you calling me
short
?
    DR. MURPHY: Hey, guys,
relax,
all right? We’re all here for the same reason: to kill and possibly eat Simon.
    MURDERER:
(Sighs.)
You’re right. I’m sorry.
    CHUCKY: Yeah…me too. I kind of lost perspective.
    DR. MURPHY: It’s okay. Just remember: we’re all in this together.
    DEAD UNCLE: Hey, it looks like he’s getting up! Wait a minute…where’s he
going
?
    CHUCKY: I think he’s running into his mom’s room!
    DEAD UNCLE: Maybe we should follow him?
    CHUCKY: Are you
insane
? I’m not facing that kid’s mother. That woman is terrifying!
    MURDERER: Seriously, there is no
way
I’m going in there.
    FREDDY KRUEGER:
(Sighs.)
I guess tonight’s a bust. Let’s try tomorrow, okay? Same time, same place.

If adults were subjected to the same indignities as children
    PARTY
    ZOE: Dad, I’m throwing a party tonight, so you’ll have to stay in your room. Don’t worry, though: one of my friends brought over his father for you to play with. His name is Comptroller Brooks and he’s about your age, so I’m sure you’ll have lots in common. I’ll come check on you in a couple of hours.
(Leaves.)
    COMPTROLLER BROOKS: Hello.
    MR. HIGGINS: Hello.
    COMPTROLLER BROOKS: So…um…do you follow city politics?
    MR. HIGGINS: Not really.
    COMPTROLLER BROOKS: Oh.
    (long pause)
    (Zoe returns.)
    ZOE: I forgot to tell you: I told my friends you’d perform for them after dinner. I’ll come get you when it’s time.
(Leaves.)
    COMPTROLLER BROOKS: Oh God, what are we going to
do
?
    MR. HIGGINS: I know a dance…but it’s pretty humiliating.
    COMPTROLLER BROOKS: Just teach it to me.
    CAPITOL HILL
    LOBBYIST: If you fail to pass this proposition, it will lead to the deaths of thousands. Any questions?
    SENATOR: Why are you wearing a sailor suit?
    LOBBYIST: My children decided to dress me this way, on a whim. I told them it was an important day for me…but they wouldn’t listen.
    SENATOR: It’s adorable.
    LOBBYIST: Okay…but…do you agree with the proposition? About the war?
    SENATOR: Put on the cap.
    GARAGE
    ALBERT ROSENBLATT: Can I drive your car? I’ll give it back when I’m done.
    MRS. HERSON: I’m sorry…do I know you?
    ALBERT ROSENBLATT: No, but we’re the same age and we go to the same garage.
    MRS. HERSON: No offense, sir, but I really don’t feel comfortable lending you my car. I mean, it’s by far my most important possession.
    PARKING ATTENDANT: Mrs. Herson! I’m
surprised
at you. What did we learn about sharing?
    MRS. HERSON: You’re right…I’m sorry. Take my Mercedes.
    ALBERT ROSENBLATT: Thank you. Can I come over to your house later? I’m lonely and I don’t have any friends.
    MRS. HERSON: