Free JACK by Adrienne Wilder Page A

me to let Elliot go.
    “Can I…” Noah pointed to the bed.
    “Yes, you can come in.”
    He walked over and sat on the edge of my bed. My eyes burned. I rubbed my cheek against my pillow. The fabric was sticky and damp from where I’d been crying. Noah put the checker board down on the floor. He took the milk caps out of his pocket. They clicked against one another and then the board.
    Without asking he lay down beside me. His knees touched mine and he tucked his hands under his chin just like me. I imagined I was looking in a mirror. That his blunt chin, Adam’s apple, and square shoulders was mine. There was parts I couldn’t see, but they’d also be on my body. Even covered up in clothes I’d be aware of every detail, from how the muscles in my arms wouldn’t be without shape, how my chest would be flat, to the weight between my legs. I’d be constructed of straight lines and not curves.
    The want of these things made me angry with Noah, and I didn’t want to be angry with him. Did he see my jealousy? He had to. It ate at my body like a disease.
    I stared at Noah and he stared at me.
    “Noah?”
    He blinked in that slow way that told me I had his attention.
    Shame made it hard for me to swallow. “Do you think there’s something wrong with me?”
    His eyebrows came together.
    “Emma sent me here because she thinks there’s something wrong with me.”
    “What?”
    “I don’t want to be a girl.”
    “Why?”
    “It feels wrong.”
    He frowned and I could tell he was thinking.
    I didn’t want to cry again and fought against the burning in my eyes and throat. “I cover everything up but it doesn’t change anything. I’m still a girl on the outside and a boy on the inside. It doesn’t change and I want it to change.”
    “Why does it matter?”
    “Because.”
    “Because why?”
    “No one understands. They want me to wear dresses and they want to call me Jacqueline. I want to be kissed but no one wants to be with a girl who is a boy.”
    “How do you know?”
    “What?”
    “No one wants to kiss you?”
    “I loved Elliot and he wouldn’t kiss me because I wasn’t a boy.”
    “Maybe someone else won’t care.” Noah moved closer to me and the collar of his shirt pulled down enough to reveal his scars. There were more around his wrists and they disappeared up his sleeve. When he breathed they pulled against his skin. The shape and texture reminded me of how bubblegum looked stuck to the bottom of a shoe.
    I brought my gaze up and could see the green in his blue eyes. Rimmed by dark lashes they all but glowed. Noah tilted his head. His eyelids fluttered closed and his lips pressed against mine. His skin was warm, soft, sweet.
    When he pulled back he smiled.
    So did I.

Chapter Seven
     
    The new orderly’s name was Frank and I did not like him. He had hard eyes and a chiseled face. He’d watch me while pretending to look somewhere else. Cold chills would race up my spine when I turned my back on him. At night when he walked the halls I locked my door.
    I swear sometimes he’d stand right outside. Like the demon in the side hall of A wing. His shadow would clog the window and I could hear him breathe. A beast as dangerous as the river.
    I was tired when I went to my Wednesday session to see Dr. Chance and of course he noticed. “Not sleeping?”
    I lay my head down in the crook of my elbow, propped on the arm of the couch. “I’m fine.”
    “You have circles under your eyes. Is there a reason you’re having problems sleeping?”
    Yes. The beast. “Not really.”
    “There has to be a reason, Jacqueline. I’d like for you to share it with me.”
    I picked up my head. “I asked you not to call me that.”
    “You want me to call you Jack?”
    “Yes.”
    “But Jacqueline is a beautiful name and it suits you very well.”
    “I don’t care. It’s not who I am.”
    “Because?”
    “You know.”
    “Why does being a girl frighten you so much?”
    Was he serious? “I’m not scared of