Free Nikki's Heart by Nona j. Moss Page A

easier for me. Sometimes it feels like she can see right through me. Sometimes I feel really connected to her.
    “Not a lot of people know this,” she told me one night. “My dad was an alcoholic. He was pretty mean, too—drunk or sober. He would put us in the basement if we were bad. He also liked to put duct tape on our mouths if he thought we were talking too much.”
    “No way!” I was horrified. “Did you take it off?”
    “Once. He smacked me so hard, he split my lip. Then he put the tape back on, right over the cut. He had this board that he put our names on, which he used to spank us.”
    “What did your mom do when he did that?” How horrible that must have been.
    “She usually just stood there and watched him. She never once tried to stop him. I think that was the worst part. She never defended us.”
    “Where are they now?” I asked. I have never even heard Mandi mention her parents before. No wonder.
    “I don’t know. They split up when I was eighteen, and I haven’t seen either of them since. As far as I know, my mother doesn’t even know she’s a grandma.”
    “Wow.”
    No wonder we connect. No wonder Mandi has such a huge heart and level head.
     
    February 25
    I am now a licensed driver. I never dreamed this day would come! I drove around all night in Cody’s car, and it was so much fun!
    Mandi made me a cake to celebrate. And Dad promised to get me a car soon. They were both very proud of me; it was almost overwhelming.
    I tried to call my mom, but she didn’t answer the phone. Would she be happy for me anyway? Why do dark thoughts always bring me down?
     
    March 1
    Mom called today and asked me to spend the weekend with her. She said she would not touch a drop of alcohol all weekend. Is it working? Is she going to stop drinking so she can have me home? I don’t want to get my hopes up. Not yet.
     
    March 3
    Mom is in bad shape. She has the shakes so bad, it seems to consume her whole body. She hasn’t been drinking today, and I think she is having withdrawal. She has been lying on the couch since I got here, and she can barely get up.
    I am scared.
    Mandi made me promise to call if anything went wrong. Maybe I should call her. I am afraid to leave my mom alone right now.
    I am really scared.
     
    Later ... 3 a.m.
    Mom is seeing things again. She was convinced there were spiders all over the floor. I actually had to get out the bug spray to calm her down. She has sweat so much that her hair is plastered in clumps on her forehead. I went to the bathroom to get her a cold washcloth, and when I came back she was drinking rum straight from the bottle.
    I am calling Mandi as soon as it gets light outside. I won’t be sleeping; I am too afraid to close my eyes.
     
    March 4
    I am safely back at my dad’s house. What a nightmare that was. I can’t believe I even went over there. What was I thinking? That’s just it, I wasn’t thinking. I was ready to believe anything she said. I was so sure she was ready for me to come home. Well guess what? I’m not going that route again.
     
    March 6
    I got my progress report today, and my grades are dropping for the first time in my life. I actually got my first C. I am going to have to work harder to bring them back up.
     
    March 9
    Can you believe it? My mother actually asked me to spend the weekend there again. She acted like we had a wonderful time last weekend. She never even mentioned the mess she was in. How convenient for her to forget. I made up excuses to get out of it, but I know she didn’t believe me. I feel bad, but on the other hand, I was really afraid last weekend.
    You know what really bothers me? If that is what she’s like when she doesn’t have alcohol, how will we ever get her to stop drinking? Will quitting kill her? If that’s the case, she’s going to die anyway. Doesn’t she realize this? Doesn’t she know she has a problem?
     
    March 11
    My dad found me a car today! Sadly, I have to wait until next week to get it.