Free 1982 Janine by Alasdair Gray Page A

fast enough something in the future will stop us falling down. But this bed is standing still so I must think about rape. After Superb had been thoroughly raped in my absence I had meant to return and prepare her for other sorts of astonishment, but alas I did the job myself and now I feel like a miserable nothing. The editor made me feel like this whenever we made love. We had to be drunk first. Each knew what the other wanted but was terrified all the same, terrified of not giving pleasure, terrified of not receiving it. I first met her on a matter of business, the second time by accident in the street and both times she asked me to her flat for coffee. After coffee came sherry and when that was used up we finished her whisky and all the time we talk talk talked. She probably found that as boring as I did but we were hoping for something better. At last I stepped out for ten minutes to buy us another bottle of whisky so I cannot remember who made the first pass. It was probably me. The man usually does. We did it on the hearthrug and there was always a stocking or suspender-belt I never managed to remove from her. Afterward I wanted to sleep of course andso did she, but she always told me to leave the house first.
    49 THE EDITOR AND HELEN  
    â€œWhat will the neighbours think if they see you leave here in the morning?” I told her I would lie low till noon before leaving. Her neighbours were a divorced friend, a one-parent family and two elderly homosexuals. And this was in a period when casual sex was supposed to be common, but no, “Leave! Leave now ! You must leave me now !”
    She wept and grew hysterical until I left without one farewell kiss, without her even seeing me to the door. The second time I quietened the hysterics by making love to her again, but afterward she drove me out in exactly the same way. So I went slowly through the streets to my empty bed and lay on it all night and most of the following day. I felt too empty and feeble, too raped to even go and buy another bottle of whisky. 
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    Of course I know why she had to chuck me out like that. If we had slept sweetly in her bed, and made love again in the morning, which is the best time, and she had seen me to the door, and we had parted after a farewell kiss, I would have made her feel a miserable nothing by not arranging to see her again. I was not sure I liked her enough to see much of her. Two people can come together with the most delightful intentions and continue out of mere habit. My marriage was like that. So the editor raped me three times to stop me raping her. Helen raped me once when she was getting ready to leave.
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    For nine whole years (I can hardly believe this now) for nine whole years we shared the same bed without making love. Then she joined a drama group (I’d been nagging her to do that for a long time) and starting looking beautiful again and coming home around midnight. She said that after rehearsals the club members went to somebody’s house for a drink and a chat. One night she came back between three and four in the morning. As she undressed and got into bed I pretended to sleep but she must have known it was a pretence. At last I said, “I know what time it is.”
    She said nothing. I said, “That drink and chat must have turned into a regular party.”

    50 END OF A MARRIAGE  
    She said, “What are you suggesting?”
    â€œNothing.”
    â€œAre you suggesting I’ve been unfaithful to you?”
    â€œNo.”
    â€œFor one night in all our years of marriage I sit up late discussing the theatre with a couple of friends who appreciate me and at once you accuse me of being unfaithful! Do I complain about your collection of disgusting magazines?” I said nothing and suddenly she embraced me like in the early days, embraced me so warmly that my whole body came alive again. I made love too quickly, and no wonder after all those years, and when I