Free 1982 Janine by Alasdair Gray

in the corner where Superb is spread on her back like a starfish, a great pillow under her hips so that the rosy heart of her naked sex is completely exposed. Momma has caressed her into excitement, she needs me now and as I clasp and slip warmly into her I am entering Jane Russell the editor Janine Sontag Big Momma Helen forget her forget her and I am at home again. At home again. At home again. No. No. No. No I am not. I am not. I am alone. Alone. Alone. I am absolutely alone.

    46 THE SLOUGH OF DESPOND
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    O hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell HELL HELL HELL HELL HELL HELL HELL HELL HELL HELL HELL HELL HELL HELL HELL HELL HELL HELL HELL HELL HELL HELL HELL HELL HELL HELL HELL HELL HELL HELL HELL HELL HELL HELL HELL HELL HELL HELL HELL HELL HELL HELL HELL HELL HELL HELL HELL HELL HELL HELL HELL HELL HELL HELL HELL HELL HELL HELL HELL HELL HELL HELL HELL HELL HELL HELL HELL HELL HELL HELL HELL HELL HELL HELL HELL HELL HELL HELL HELL HELL HELL HELL HELL HELL HELL HELL HELL HELL HELL HELL HELL HELL HELL HELL HELL HELL HELL HELL HELL I lost control, I lost control.

4:
I AM NOT A BAD MAN, I AM A GOOD MAN.
    I did what my mother wanted, what my ex-wife wanted, what her father wanted, I once had a friend who liked me and now National Security Installations are perfectly content with me. My salary proves it. I contribute to Oxfam, the Salvation Army and Cancer Research although I do not expect to benefit from these organisations. On crowded trains and buses I offer my seat to cripples and poorly dressed old women. I have never struck a man, woman or child in my life, never lost my temper, never raised my voice. Since the age of thirteen I have not shed a single tear. Surely, inside the privacy of this body and the secrecy of this skull I have earned the right to enjoy any woman I want in any way I can? But 
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    But I should not have answered Big Momma’s telephone call. I should have sent in Stroud, Hollis, Charlie and Max wearing silk dressing-gowns and masks, and before they did anything to Superb I should have switched my attention back to Janine. There is a male tradition that women enjoy rape but that is wishful thinking. Nearly all bodies can respond to another with a few spasms of automatic pleasurebut that is not enjoyment. I have been raped and it was pleasant at the time and afterward I felt like a miserable nothing, I wished I was dead. What depressed me was the impossibility of gratitude. When forget her and I were not lovemaking or asleep we lay merely holding each other, amazed and grateful to be holding each other. I wish we had never left that bed. When dressed she did not look ordinary, like the editor, she looked poor and messy stop. Stop. When dressed, I thought I was smart in that suit but no I looked prim and dull which is why I chose GLAMOUR, chose Helen. Liar. Helen chose me oh, I will gnaw the fingers of this hand to the bone.
    48 RAPE AND THE EDITOR
    Ouch
    That hurt. Calm down. Where was I? Thinking about rape. 
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    I wish I could sleep but people who dream with open eyes don’t need much sleep. Three hours a night is the most I can manage though I doze a lot in trains, planes and taxis. There is something in rapid movement which lets the mind relax. It’s a common experience nowadays. Apart from a few frightened old women we all believe that if we travel