Free Coconuts and Wonderbras by Lynda Renham Page A

especially when I get the whip out.’
    I manage a quick glimpse of myself in the Harrods loo and am quite impressed, even if I say so myself. I could be mistaken for a slightly overweight celebrity. My hair is shiny and my natural curls have been softened and gathered up into a neat chignon, and my lips seem to be in a permanent pout which is very Marilyn Monroe. If only I had a more glamorous looking face. I feel an overwhelming urge to stroll along Oxford Street in the manner of Pretty Woman but instead trip and fall into the taxi in the manner of Libby Holmes. Issy convinces me to keep on the Donna Karan dress that was part of the makeover package.
        ‘Let Jamie see what he has got. You look absolutely fab. You know if you made the effort, you could look like this every day.’
    Make the effort? What a cheek. It took a ton of touché éclat, a professional make-up artist and a camp hairdresser to achieve this overhaul. Just what kind of effort she expects me to make I do not know, but she can certainly forget it. It will obviously mean losing an hour in bed and let’s face it if there is no man in your life it really isn’t worth it.
    I arrive at the office and attempt to enter the building in the manner of glamorous model and surprise myself by actually succeeding. Feel a little perfect, you know, like Gwyneth Paltrow but without the ‘Apple’ child. I hit the lift button with the palm of my hand and receive an admiring glance from a handsome man who exits. Oh yes, so it only needs a four-hour make-up overhaul every morning and I can get this attention every day. I give it some thought and then decide bed is the better option. I glide effortlessly up to the second floor and sing happily along to the Christmas music that serenades me. Please God, let Toby walk past the window tonight. I put my head to the side and pout my lips seductively to the lift mirror. Oh yes, I look good. I feel warm inside, knowing that tonight could be the night Toby and I get back together. Maybe, I won’t be alone over Christmas after all. That reminds me, I really should do some Christmas shopping. I also need decorations for the tree. Things are looking up. I will pop to the shops after work tomorrow and buy lots of festive goodies. After all, I will be paid soon and there is bound to be a Christmas bonus. I practise inviting Toby in for coffee again and decide to buy one of those negligee things on my way home. Pyjamas just don’t have the same appeal do they? The lift doors open and I come face to face with Jane while still practising my pout.
        ‘What on earth happened to you,’ she blurts out.
    Well, thank you very much, and what does that mean exactly? I manoeuvre my lips back to their normal position.
        ‘I’ve had plastic surgery, don’t you like it?’
    I walk past her towards the office, trying to regain my earlier confidence. I take a deep breath and with a kick, fling open Jamie’s door.
        ‘Tra-la-la. What do you think?’ I say, while posing seductively in the doorway.
    I am confronted with Jamie, Alex Bryant and the Blonde Blancmange. How more dire can things get than coming face to face with Miss Glamour on sticks? I take one look at her and am instantly deflated. I slowly untangle myself from the doorway and smile awkwardly. She sits upright looking like a model. Jamie could have warned me.
        ‘You look fab darling,’ he exclaims. I really can’t tell if he means it or not.
    Blancmange surveys me. I decide it is best not to move in case my wobbly bits wobble. I so wish the floor would open up and swallow me.
        ‘Yes, rather amazing, actually,’ says Alex, ignoring a sharp look from Blancmange. I meet Bryant’s eyes, and find myself flattered by the appreciation in them. I blush and turn away.
        ‘You’ve already met Penelope Vistor, haven’t you Libby. Penny is the advertising executive for Chanel’s new ad campaign,’ says Jamie, proudly.
    She would be