Free Selby Scrambled by Duncan Ball Page B

dogs,’ Mike went on. ‘Filthy, nasty, flea-bitten, dangerous creatures — a bunch of do-nothings that poop all over footpaths. Why don’t we all get together and round them up and shoot them? Anyone out there want to talk about dogs?’
    ‘I do, Mike,’ Selby said, grabbing the phone and dialling Radio OK4U. ‘My name’s Sel — Selig. May I speak to Magic Mike, please?’
    ‘Putting you through.’
    ‘Mike, is that you?’
    ‘What is it, Selig?’
    ‘About dogs being filthy and nasty, and dangerous and that.’
    ‘What about it?’
    ‘Well, we’re not all like that —’
    ‘We?’ Mike laughed. ‘Did you say, we? Like you’re a dog or something?’
    ‘No, sorry, I meant
they.
You see most of what you say is really the owners’ fault, not the dogs’ fault.’
    ‘Wrong, Selig! Cut this guy off, Richard!’
    ‘Let me explain,’ Selby went on. ‘Take fleas for example —’
    ‘Cut him off!’
    ‘— the only thing dogs can do about fleas is scratch. And that doesn’t get rid of them. Only the owners can get flea medicine.’
    ‘Richard, cut this idiot off!’
    ‘A dog can’t just walk into a vet’s surgery and say, “I’d like some Flea-Off,” and then hand over the money, now can he?’
    ‘Richard, if you don’t hang up on this fool then I quit!’
    ‘Hear him out, Mike,’ Richard said. ‘I like the sound of this guy.’
    ‘The only sound I’d like from this guy is the sound of my foot on his backside,’ Mike said.
    ‘And as for dogs being do-nothings,’ Selby continued. ‘Where would farmers be without sheep and cattle dogs? Where would blind people be without guide dogs?’
    ‘Most dogs don’t do anything, Selig. What a stupid name — Selig. Richard, I’m warning you. Cut him off or I’m outta here!’
    ‘Dogs,’ Selby said calmly, ‘are faithful and loyal and loving and kind. They are the most wonderful creatures on earth. And why do I say this, Mike? Because they make people happy.’
    ‘Richard!’
    ‘Can you think of anything better than making people happy? Do you have any idea what might happen if we got rid of dogs?’
    ‘Okay, I’m outta here! You can take this stupid show and do whatever you want with it, Richie, old boy, because I’m heading back to the city! Goodbye and good riddance to all of you flyblown bush-bunnies.’
    (Slam!)
    Selby went on and on talking about the friendship between dogs and their owners. When he was finished Richard’s voice said, ‘Thank you for your call today, Selig. Could you hold while we go to a commercial?’
    ‘Sure.’
    As the song for the Dry-Mouth Dog Biscuits ad came on the radio, Selby heard Richard’s voice again.
    ‘Hi, Selig, this is Richard here, the producer. We’re not on air now. I wanted to say that you were very good. You have a great way with words.’
    ‘It’s just that I feel very strongly about dogs,’ Selby explained.
    ‘You probably feel strongly about a lot of things,’ the producer said. ‘Quite frankly I’m glad to see the end of Mike. He was getting very boring. We were losing our audience. Besides, how dumb is it to attack dogs when the Dry-Mouth Dog Biscuit Company pays for ads on this show? Get me?’
    ‘I think so,’ Selby said, not really sure that he did.
    ‘Now, Selig, I have an offer for you. Howwould you like to be the new Magic Mike? We’ll call you Silvertone Selig, because you’re a smooth talker.’
    ‘Oh, no, I couldn’t possibly.’
    ‘You’re good, Selig. Already the switchboard is flooded with calls from people who love you.’
    ‘Really? No, the thing is I have a bit of a problem with my appearance.’
    ‘Are you ugly or something? This is radio, Selig. No one will see you.’
    ‘No one but you,’ Selby said.
    ‘Oh, I get it,’ the producer said. ‘You want to keep your privacy, don’t you? You don’t want people to find out who you really are or where you live because they’d ruin your life forever.’
    ‘Spot on,’ Selby said.
    ‘Selig probably