Free The Burn by James Kelman Page B

door. She was coming along the street, he knew it. There was no time at all now. He was sunk. What was he going to say to her because he couldnt
think of anything, and he wasnt clean. What could he do? He hadnt given it any thought, none, none, he was just relying on something, chance maybe oh more than that more than that he had been
praying, he had prayed for assistance, because he needed help, help, he needed help, help help help help please the Lord, oh God but he needed help from Our Father who art in heaven, hallowed be
thy name, thy kingdom come, thy will be done
    Edward closed his eyes and he put his hands next to each other, not clasping them.
    I slept with my fiancée’s sister, he said. He raised his head, opening his eyes, but not looking at the invalid. I slept with her. I didnt mean to. I dont know what to do about it.
I just dont know.
    Mm.
    I’ve never done it before, never, it just bloody happened it was just bloody out the blue, I think maybe it was me with my head full, all the worries I’ve had cause of this damn
test, my job, the whole lot.
    Mm.
    Edward gazed at him. I just didnt mean it, it just happened.
    Aye it’s a difficult one that.
    Is it?
    Questions of loyalty young fellow, they’re aye difficult.
    Yeh, Edward sighed.
    And she doesnt know?
    What?
    You’re wife’s no found out?
    It’s no my wife it’s my fiancée; I’m no married.
    Aw.
    Edward paused, I suppose they’re the same really anyway, if you’re married or engaged. I am wanting to get married to her. In fact I actually asked her and she said no.
    She said no?
    Yeh. I asked her. Hh, she didnt want to.
    Aw.
    I dont know how. I thought it was good you know I mean I thought it was fine, but it wasnt, she just said no. It was a shock.
    Oh well, aye. Had you been planning it for a while?
    No, no really, I just actually popped it out one night. I hadnt thought of it happening, her saying no. I suppose it’s ego, you just dont think of it, you always think it’s you, you
always think you’ve got to make the decision. And that’s that. Then you find out it isnt, the other people have got their own minds, and what they say for themselves you dont find out
till you’ve asked . . . Eh . . . I know this is a personal question Mister Parker but I was wondering . . . I’m only meaning how it’s as though here we are meeting up with each
other at a time when we need a way out of a problem.
    Edward paused. The old invalid had his hand raised and was waving:
    Mine isnt really a problem, he said.
    Oh.
    It’s different to that.
    I see.
    But on you go anyhow and say what you were saying.
    Edward wasnt going to but then he resumed talking. I dont mean like fate, he said, us meeting, because I know God doesnt arrange things just for our benefit in that way I mean that’s even
a bit like blasphemy to think that, I’m thinking more in the way you get led along a road, it’s like how you see a road in the country going over a hill in the distance where the fields
look rectangular with their hedgerows and you’re going to a village to do a bit of business and there’s no avoiding it even although you hate the very idea because the road leads you
there and you know you’re to have to grit your teeth but you’re used to that because that’s what you do all the time when you meet these clients even if they’re old and
valued ones I mean you’re always gritting your teeth anyway and then having to go and do it because that’s the way things are, you’ve always got to go straight in and start off
the chat as if it was the first time in your life. But maybe things are going to happen to you along the way. Maybe you start to get a blind panic settling in cause that can happen too, that can
happen too – it happens to me, sometimes. There’s all kinds of trials and tribulations. You see in some ways today has been awful bad for me. I’ll no bore you with all the sorry
details, it’s just personal stuff mainly, and maybe that