Free The Brightonomicon (Brentford Book 8) by Robert Rankin

else?’
    ‘I do not think there were any other dogs there,’ I said.
    ‘Then how do you explain the continued howling that came from the rear of the house?’
    ‘It was a tape recording, a loop tape – you could hear the pattern of the howling as it repeated itself.’
    ‘I am very impressed,’ said Mr Rune. ‘However, I would have been more impressed if you’d mentioned these details to me at the time.’
    ‘I drove back here in a stolen cab and then you gave me all that toot about Chronovisions and zodiacs.’
    ‘Well, nevertheless I am impressed. You are wrong on almost every count, but nevertheless.’
    I topped my coffee up with the last of the milk and sugar. ‘So how am I wrong?’ I asked.
    ‘The couple are indeed married. They were married in Saint Petersburg in nineteen ten.’
    ‘Saint Petersburg?’ I said. ‘Nineteen ten?’ I said. ‘What are you saying?’ I said. ‘That Mister Orion really
is
Rasputin?’
    I said.
    ‘No,’ said Mr Rune. ‘Mister Orion is in fact none other than my arch enemy, The Most Evil Man Who Ever Lived. Mister Orion is Count Otto Black.’
    ‘Then him shooting at us was no accident.’
    ‘He is a crack shot – he trained with the Eton Rifles. (Eton Rifles). * Had he wished to shoot us dead, then he would have done so.’
    ‘But if he is your arch enemy—’
    ‘He was testing me out. He is unaware that I am aware of his true identity. It was a pleasure to take his money – a share of which I passed on to you at the time.’
    ‘An insubstantial amount,’ I said. ‘But I still do not understand about all these spaniels being inside one another.’
    ‘All will be explained in good time. Oh, and by the way, Rizla, the name “Orion” was something of a giveaway. It’s a stellar constellation that includes Sirius, the Dog Star. But anyhow, that isn’t the piece in the
Argus
that I wanted you to read. Read what is written beneath the Hangleton article.’
    I took up the newspaper once more and studied the front page. ‘There is nothing else,’ I said, ‘apart from an advertisement.’
    ‘Read the advertisement aloud.’
    And so I did.
    THE CENTAUR OF THE UNIVERSE
    A talk upon the Elliptical Navigations of the
    Aethyrs of Avatism by World-Famous Paranormal
    Questor and Psychic Youth
    DANBURY COLLINS
     
    Tonight 7.30 p.m. The Rampant Squire,
    Ditchling Road, Brighton
     
    ‘Nutcase,’ I remarked. ‘New-Age nutcase.’
    ‘What?’ Mr Rune feigned outrage. ‘Danbury Collins, renowned psychic youth and masturbator?’
    ‘What?’ I feigned a little outrage of my own.
    ‘He is most entertaining. He, Sir John Rimmer and Doctor Harney have conducted numerous investigations into the paranormal – with little success, I hasten to add – but his talks are always a riot. I have crossed intellectual swords with this fellow on numerous occasions. My sword, however, has a rapier’s edge. His, alas, would not pass through butter.’
    ‘Speaking of butter,’ I said, ‘we have no more.’
    ‘Then it is time for you to do the Tesco run.’
    ‘Oh no.’ I shook my head fiercely. ‘Tesco does not give credit and I am not running out of there again without paying whilst you remonstrate with the checkout girl. Why do you not simply pay for something once in a while?’
    Mr Rune now shook
his
head. ‘I am Rune,’ said he. ‘I offer the world my genius. All I expect in return is that the world cover my expenses.’
    ‘So would you care for me to see if I can somehow scrounge some free tickets for Mister Collins’s lecture?’
    ‘Unnecessary,’ said Mr Rune. ‘I doubt very much that he will be playing to a packed house. We’ll inveigle our way in when we get there. But for now—’ Mr Rune dabbed his napkin to his lips, ‘—let us take a stroll to Sainsbury’s.’
    *
     
    We did not stroll back from Sainsbury’s. Well, I believe that Mr Rune might well have done, but I was forced to run and this was not easy, considering the number of carrier bags