Free Shifting Gears by Jenny Hayut

fucking clue what him
leaving like that did to me. And he never will. Clay hit the nail
right on the head when he mentioned my shield. It’s there. I just
didn’t realize people could actually see it. The few guys I did try
to date after Holt didn’t work out. He ruined them for me. No other
man could match the fire he set off in me with a simple touch. And
no man could bring back the trust I’d lost, because of him. I’m
damaged goods, without a doubt. So I just gave up. Some people were
meant to be single. Forever. I’m one of them, so I stick with the
one thing I know can’t hurt me: my animals.
    “Holt, what you said last night, how
things have changed, you’re right. You just don’t realize how much.
But you know what, there’s no need for me to even go down that road
with you. It serves no purpose now. It’s in the past, and it’s a
past I don’t want to relive.”
    Tears are starting to well up, because
these are words that I’ve wanted to say to him for so long. Words
that have haunted my thoughts, my dreams. Words that have
controlled me, consumed me. Being able to confront him like this,
feeling a sense of closure, of finality, it begins to overwhelm me.
Damn it.
    “Nicolette, watching you cry, it
fucking kills me. I can’t take back the time that’s been stolen
from us…and, believe me, it was stolen. But I’m here now,
and I will make you remember how good it was with us. I will give
you back every single night you were in bed alone.”
    “What makes you think I was alone,
Holt?”
    Why the hell did I say that? He looks
at me grimly, his jaw suddenly tight. But he doesn’t question my
words.
    “It didn’t look like you had come back
for me when I saw you at The Rox.” I scrub away my tears,
determined not to give him any more.
    “Nicolette.” He reaches out to grab my
hand, but I quickly pull it away, dropping it to my
side.
    He looks down at the table and lets
out a sigh. “I’m not going to lie and tell you there was no one
else after you.”
    Seriously? So it’s true.
    “It was just sex. None of them could
cure my hunger for you. Not even fucking close. I woke up so many
nights after dreaming of you, but you were with someone else. You
were laughing. You were happy.”
    God. He was dreaming about
me .
    “When I turned from the bar and saw
you standing there, I knew then you hated me for sure. I could see
it in your face. Standing there, stiff like you were, it was clear
you never expected to see me again. And I could tell you wanted to
run as far as you could away from me. I couldn’t mess your life up
again. Make promises to you I knew I couldn’t keep.” He lets out a
sigh that almost tempts me to turn his way. But I don’t. I keep my
gaze out into the darkness.
    “When I saw you with Clay, you looked
happy. I couldn’t ruin that happy for you. I came so fucking close
to pulling you out of his goddamn car that night, though. Fuck. But
after what I’d done to you, you deserved to be happy.”
    I have to get away from him. I have to
stop this. None of this matters. It’s the past.
    “I asked around town about you and
found out you were doing exactly what you’d planned. I know it
doesn’t matter to you, but that makes me proud, babe, to know you
made it happen. Kilo took one for the team that day, letting you
poke him so I could see you, talk to you. When you acted like you
didn’t know who the fuck I was, I almost lost it. It took
everything in me to not pull you down in that chair on
me.”
    A sudden wave of heat hits me at the
realization that he was having much the same fantasy as I was that
day. I catch my breath at the thought of straddling Holt in that
chair, our bodies grinding up against one another. The wetness and
throbbing ache between my legs increases at the thought of
it.
    “But when I saw how you tensed up when
I said your name, I knew. I knew, babe. I just didn’t understand
what was with the game.”
    I sneak a glance in his
direction.
    He’s