Free Flotsam and Jetsam by Keith Moray Page B

his seat and adjusted the old brown suitcase containing the treasures that he had already shown to Fergie at the pre-show viewing.
    Fergie laughed good-naturedly and winked encouragingly at Rab. Then ‘We’ll be on the air in about five minutes. See you all then.’
    He waved and went over to chat with Geordie Innes, the producer.
    ‘Last call for snacks, folks,’ called out Alec Anderson, as he stood at the left-hand steps leading up to the stage with his trolley of ice-cream, chocolates and crisps. ‘Or if you would rather a cup of tea or coffee, my dear wife Agnes is at the back of the hall and will accommodate you.’
    There was a last minute flurry of customers, then Travis, the soundman, gave them a two-minute bell. Finally, he addressed Fergie and Chrissie on the stage and counted them in before snapping the clapboard to start filming.
    Fergie Ferguson gave a short show-biz laugh then immediately pitched in. ‘Hello all you bargain hunters out there,’ he said, flashing his Hollywood-white neatly capped teeth at the camera. ‘Here we are again in Kyleshiffin, the main – no, the only town on West Uist for this edition of Flotsam & Jetsam!’ He emphasized the name of the show and bent his knees to almost spring up with outstretched hands, like a latter-day circus master. And he held the smile and pose for a moment to allow Geordie Innes to merge the background picture of treasures washed up on a beach with the title of the show.
    ‘And Kyleshiffin is going to be our home for the next fortnight. But before we look at some of the flotsam and jetsamthat we have found on this island today, or which the good people of Kyleshiffin have brought along for us to value or bid for’ – he waited for some canned laughter to come and go – ‘we have been fortunate enough to have Dr Digby Dent, Scotland’s most respected entomologist.’ He put his hand to his mouth and gave a theatrical aside to the second camera. ‘That means he studies insects, to you lot.’
    He waited for a further burst of more canned laughter, which this time was accompanied by some genuine laughter from the audience. ‘Dr Dent is kindly going to explain about the famous Scottish midges and why they have been such a scourge of the Scottish tourist industry over the years.’ He turned his back to the audience and looked over his shoulder. ‘Would you like me to show you what they did to me when I went for a swim?’
    He squatted and thrust his bottom out and made as if to undo his trousers.
    ‘Don’t you dare, Fergie Ferguson,’ quipped Chrissie with a mock scowl. ‘It’s bad enough that I had to put cream on those bites. Let’s not inflict that on the good people here.’
    Then Chrissie smiled and, with the cameras now on her, ‘And so Dr Dent is also going to give us an insight into how the latest science is going to conquer the dreaded midge.’
    There was an expectant hush, but Dr Dent did not appear from the side door where Chrissie was pointing.
    ‘We seem to have a technical hitch,’ said Fergie, touching his ear, as if listening to a message relayed via an imaginary earphone. ‘Bear with us, we shall—’
    Dr Dent stumbled on to the stage from the other side, his inebriated demeanour apparent to all. Half of the audience gasped and half the audience giggled or chuckled with amusement.
    ‘So you think we can get rid of the midges, do you?’ he asked making his way directly for Chrissie, passing and ignoring Fergie who stood with an outstretched hand. ‘There is little chance of that, I am afraid. Culcoides impunctatus, the highland midge has been around since the days of the dinosaur and they like this environment. It is the females that bite; they are always the more deadly of the species.’ He leered at Chrissie and licked his lips. ‘You know what I mean – Chrissie, isn’t it?’
    There was a ripple of scandalized outrage from the audience. Fergie Ferguson was generally used to dealing with awkward guests, but