Free A Horse Named Sorrow by Trebor Healey Page B

I’d squeeze him back, hoping to squeeze out of him what ran through his blood. And sometimes I convinced myself that I was doing just that. Sex magic—and I thought of my semen as a healing balm when it jetted out of my cock and onto his chest. And I rubbed it around all over his lovely long pale chest and pronounced clavicles like it was Vicks VapoRub, lying with him, kissing him, telling him he was my new favorite thing.
    â€œWhat’s the old one?”
    â€œWell, they come and go, you know?”
    â€œSo you don’t remember?”
    â€œWell, probably this little girl, Eustacia.”
    He looked at me, brows furrowed.
    â€œShe’s one of the kids I tutor.”
    He nodded. “So, what? Am I like her?”
    I had to think about that. “Come to think of it, yeah. Sorta.”
    â€œHmm, this should be interesting. She’s what?—eight?”
    â€œYeah. She’s cute and she likes me. Maybe it’s as simple as that.”
    â€œAh, give me a little more than that, Shame.”
    â€œUh, she’s Chinese, has this really cool, long silky black hair that shines.”
    â€œWell, I’m not Chinese and my hair is blond.”
    â€œYou dye it,” I corrected him. “Same roots? I don’t know, Jimmy— shit, you make me want to smile and cry all at the same time. How’s that?”
    â€œHmm. Better. What’s her sad part? I know mine.”
    He didn’t want my pity, so I checked it. “I don’t know her that well. She’s a kid. I mean, it’s sad to be a kid. It’s not easy, or carefree and fun like people think and choose to remember it. Kids are …” But I didn’t say it. I was thinking “powerless.” He didn’t want my pity. “It’s nothing specific, Jimmy. I think when you love somebody that’s just how it feels. A little sad. I mean, we’re all fucked ultimately.”
    â€œVulnerable, right?”
    â€œYeah, sure, that’s a good word for it.”
    â€œI’m not a kid, Shame. You don’t have to take care of me.”
    â€œJimmy,” and I ran my hand through his chaff-like golden scalp.
    He sat up then.
    â€œYou’re gonna probably leave when things get fucked up, Shame.”
    â€œI don’t think so.” And I sat up then too, hands around my legs, head between my knees.
    â€œI think so, Shame. And maybe we need to take a little break, see some other people or something.”
    I said nothing to that; felt offended in fact and thought of a new Marie: Let Them Go Find Some Other Boy Even Though They Found the One They Love Already .
    â€œWhat do you mean, Jimmy? You want me to go away?”
    â€œShame, I came here with a lot of intention, you know?”
    â€œYeah, I know,” and I looked down.
    â€œI came here to die, okay? Fight no more forever.” And he reached over and lifted my chin with those long fingers of his. “Shame … I’m not pushing you away; I’m just not pulling you down with me.” And his eyes were all glassy after he said it. Jimmy, who didn’t cry.
    â€œYou aren’t pulling me down, Jimmy … you pick me up.”
    I got a pained look on my face then and he got up and walked to the window and the fire escape, and looked out at the acacia tree, and the corner liquor store and the pay phone and the buckled sidewalk, and he said without turning around:
    â€œYou ever been there for it? Someone dying slow and ugly? Huh, Shame?”
    â€œStop, Jimmy.”
    â€œHuh, Shame?” And he turned around. “It’s not pretty; it’s very fucked up. I didn’t expect I’d meet somebody the day I got here, you know?”
    He kicked a shoe, “Dammit.”
    I didn’t wanna be Jimmy’s problem.
    â€œI can leave then, Jimmy.” And I got up and started grabbing stuff. Dramatic, yes, but I was twenty-one and I wanted him to show me he wanted me to