Free Reinventing Mona by Jennifer Coburn Page A

about the material you’d get for your column.” His body had stopped at the door, and his hand was on the knob. “Come on, Dog. I just want to make a guy unbelievably happy. Please. Six months. I’ll pay you.” At the mention of cash, he was ready to talk.
    “How much?”
    “A thousand a month,” I offered.
    “What do I gotta do for this thousand a month?”
    “Advise me,” I told him. “Just tell me what a guy wants from a girlfriend. Teach me how to become irresistible. We’ll meet once a month and the rest we can do by phone. Ten hours a month, tops. Please, Dog. I’m desperate. I don’t have much experience and I really need a, a guide.”
    “A guide dog?” He laughed. “You seem nice enough, but it’s like workin’ for the other side. I’m a guy’s guy. I can’t turn coat and be your fairy godmother.”
    “Two thousand?” I countered myself.
    “I’m real sorry. I’m gonna have to pass.” The knob turned.
    “Twenty-five hundred,” I wailed.
    “Done.” He smiled. Lifting his hand off the doorknob and shaking my hand, I enjoyed the most disempowered victory in the history of battle. “So, what’s your name?”
    “Mona.” I smiled. “Mona Warren.”
    “Right. Why don’t you cut me a check for December and we can get started right now?”
    “Now?”
    “Now a problem?”
    “Um, no, no. Now is good. Now is great. I’ll go get my checkbook. Grab a seat, Mike. Is where we were before okay with you?”
    He didn’t answer but returned to his place on the couch. “You think I could get another beer while you’re up?”
    “Yes, absolutely,” I shouted from my office. “Should I order a pizza?”
    “Sounds like a plan.”
    I returned to the couch where Mike had been partially absorbed by the burgundy chenille pillows. He leaned back, draping his arm around the back of the couch and resting his left ankle on his right knee. I sat primly in the corner, assuming about a fifth of the space. After I ordered pizza to Mike’s specifications, he gave me his orientation. “Look, I’m the kinda guy who just tells it like it is. I don’t do the whole happy talk at the front end, then finish on an up-note deal. I say what’s on my mind. That gonna be a problem for you?” I shook my head to assure him that no happy talk would be needed “If you’re serious about this, I’m gonna have to lay the shit out there bluntly for you. You’re not gonna cry if I hurt your feelings, are you?”
    “No, no, absolutely no crying.”
    “Good, ’cause I gotta tell you, we can make you hot, but it’s gonna take a lot of work. A lot. And I gotta just focus on my game and not worry about hurting your feelings, okay?”
    “Okay. Do you really think I can be hot ?”
    He sighed. “It’s doable. You’re not half bad looking, Mona, but I got my work cut out for me.”
    “I am ready to learn. Eager to learn.”
    Mike told me I was too passive, too accommodating. “You told me you were desperate and raised your price. You gotta get out of that mindset. I don’t care if you’re freaking out that I’m gonna leave, you’ve got to be cool about it, like hey, I’m offering something here. Take it or leave it.”
    “But you would have left it!”
    “Sure ʼbout that?” He smirked. A half hour later, our pizza arrived just as Mike was telling me I was devoid of any sex appeal. He continued chewing as he advised me on how to be more attractive. “You got a decent little body, Mona, but I really have to work to see it in that smock you’re sporting.” He swallowed and bit into another slice in the same breath. “You got a nice-looking face, but news flash for you, women are wearing makeup these days.” His eyes scanned me, assessing me from head to toe. “You gotta do something with the hair. It’s just sorta sitting there doing nothing for me.”
    “Oh,” I said sadly. “What’s it supposed to do for you?”
    “The deal is that you aren’t gonna be sensitive about this. You want the truth