Free Reinventing Mona by Jennifer Coburn Page B

or you want me to tell you a bunch of useless shit that’ll make you feel good?”
    “After you’re done ripping me to shreds, you’ll tell me what I’m supposed to do about it, right?”
    I couldn’t believe how much pizza this man could devour. How did he stay in such good shape shoving food in his mouth like letters through a mail drop? “First thing is you gotta start working out and get everything toned up. You could lose a few pounds, but no more than five, ten. I’m gonna hook you up with my sister on the clothing and hair thing ʼcause I didn’t sign up for the Queer Eye Fab Five team. I’m strictly a consultant on how to act, got it? Pay Vicki a hundred an hour and she’ll take you shopping, hook you up with a good haircut and all that.”
    “Um, okay. Is she, um, how should I put this?”
    “Hot?” he finished.
    “Well, I mean, is she — ”
    “She’s a great-looking girl and if she’s got the time, I’m sure she’ll be willing to help me out.”
    “Okay.”
    “I think the best advice I can give you right now is to watch sexy women. Look at how they carry themselves. Watch how they move their bodies, how they dress. Look at their facial expressions. They’re cute and they know how to use what they got. You should go to a strip club sometime and watch the girls work the crowd. They know how to play the game.”
    “Yeah, that’s what I’m going to do.” I rolled my eyes. “I’m going to a strip club with a wad of twenties.”
    “Go with a wad of twenties and you’ll be very popular.” Mike laughed. “My buddy told me his girlfriend took a stripping class and it was totally hot. Said she was like a whole different person. Had this ‘I’m hot shit’ attitude after a one-night class.”
    “But I don’t want to be a stripper,” I said. “I don’t even think I’d strip for Adam. I’d be too embarrassed.”
    “You’d be embarrassed ?”
    “Yes, I’d feel completely self-conscious.”
    “You need the class, Mona,” Mike insisted.
    “Trust me, you want to know what these girls know. You never have to strip for anyone, but get over the ‘I’m embarrassed’ thing.” Abruptly, he looked at his watch. “My work is done here. My sister is in L.A. this week, but I’ll have her call you first of the year to set up a time to shop and do the hair thing. Here’s my cell phone and my home number if you need anything.”
    At the door, he looked softer than the last time we stood at the entry to my home. “You know, I kinda dug tonight. Maybe it’s the holiday spirit or something, but I really feel like I’m doing something good here. Giving back to my community. Hey, have a good one. Remember, no cookies for Christmas, and sign up for that class.”
    As his car pulled out of my driveway, I leaned against the inside of the front door with a self-satisfied grin. “I did it,” I said to no one. For a moment I questioned whether a guy like Mike could help me land a guy like Adam. One was my dream man; the other was every woman’s worst nightmare. He definitely was my New York. I smiled remembering my first time in New York. I did make it there. I’d make it again and marry Adam just as I planned. For the first time in years, I felt a sense of peaceful assurance that everything would work out for me.

Chapter 11
    I have the absolute perfect birthday for someone who camouflages herself in the world. I share my big day with none other than Jesus Christ. Talk about being upstaged. Because of this gift from God (my birthday, not Jesus), I have never had to endure a cluster of restaurant wait staff singing “Happy Birthday” to me. I have never had school or workmates taking collections for my birthday present. I always had an excuse not to throw a party. I took great consolation in this fact because it meant I would never have to suffer the humiliation of a poorly attended gathering.
    Greta called early Christmas morning to wish me a happy birthday and make sure I still planned to