Free Nightlight by The Harvard Lampoon

boyfriends came over. I had lots of experience with this back in Phoenix, where my mom would leave the house whenever a boy came over, forcing
me
to find some way to entertain him when
she
was the one who had invited him in the first place.
    “Hey Dad,” I said. “Why don’t you go fishing?”
    “Yeah, I think I’m supposed to go fishing today. Wasn’t that today? I thought that was today. I forget.”
    “It was today,” I said, military-strategistly, “Why don’t you try the farther fishing place? That way, you would get home later.”
    “That sounds like a pretty good idea to me!” he said. “Maybe I’ll take that wheelchair friend along with me. I likegoing fishing all day when you’re home,” he said as he walked out. “I’m not used to sharing a house with another person. It’s exhausting!”
    So that was that. Jim was out of the house, and he didn’t mind that I was planning to see Edwart. No one else could know we were going on a date, though. I needed to protect Edwart in case anything happened. Still, I had never gone out with such a hot guy before, so I sent a vague e-mail to the whole grade saying, “Edwart Mullen and Belle Goose Are Totally Together.”
    All of a sudden, I heard a knock on the door. I peeped through the peakhole, which is what my mom and I call the peephole because the word “peep” gives her the giggle fits.
    It was Edwart
.
    “Just a sec!” I called, grabbing a few magazines and heading towards the bathroom. “I have to do some human things.”
    The bathroom is where I keep the juicer. I juiced some grapefruit onto my veins to get my characteristic, extra-yummy blood scent.
    “Belle,” he said when I finally opened the front door.
    “Edwart,” I replied, demonstrating that I, too, had spent an hour in my room, memorizing his name.
    All of a sudden, he began to laugh. Had I said something funny? Had he? How long had I been spacing out for, slowly growing conscious that my fate was in the hands of a group of college kids who’d kill me off just for a laugh.
Little did they realize that I was organizing a revolt
.
    “We’re wearing the same clothes,” he said. And it was true. He was also wearing a white button-down shirt—in fact, a woman’s button-down. He, too, was wearing a hair clip that looked kind of girly. I laughed with him, then stopped when I saw he looked better than me, then laughed once more because all I wanted was for him to be happy.
    “Let’s go, Belle. There’s something I want to show you.”
    “Where are we going?”
    “Someplace
risky.”
    “Italy?” I asked knowledgably. Despite the fact that Italians are known for their tan skin and garlic-laden cuisine, I knew from my research that the most powerful vampire family had decided to live there forever.
    “You’ll see,” he said mysteriously. “Oh, and Belle? I think it would be wise for you to change into some sturdier shoes.”
    I looked down at my feet. Sturdier than my flame-resistant space galoshes? I guess I had a pair of hiking boots.
    “You never know what’s lurking beyond acres and acres of grassy plateau…” he added, dropping another cryptic hint. “You’re also going to need an oxygen tank, a tent, an afternoon’s worth of rations and your own sherpa.
We’re climbing Deadman’s Mound.”
    I shuddered. Every part of my body told me not to go on this adventure—every part but my heart, which really needed the exercise.
    “But Edwart, I don’t have any of those things.”
    “Neither do I, Belle.” He took a step forward and Ibreathed in his musky, Axe-drenched scent. “Without oxygen, I’ll not only be a danger to myself up there. I’ll be a liability to
you.”
    He paused. I widened my eyes in fear, a good way to cover up an awkward silence that you’re unsure how to fill.
    “Do you see how risky this is?” he continued. “Me bringing you up there, without taking any safety precautions such as my anxiety medication? You, responsible for my actions for