Free I Want My Epidural Back by Karen Alpert Page A

(crust)

    Anything once they’ve tasted it and it’s too hot
    And like a shitload of other things, but I can’t keep writing it all right now because I have to go make dinner. And by make dinner, I mean call Domino’s. And God help us if we order half cheese, half pepperoni and one of the cheese pieces has a sliver of pepperoni on it and it ends up on one of my kids’ plates. Holy crap, shit fest.

    ZOEY: Wow, Mommy, that building is soooo beautiful. What is it?

    ME: Taco Bell.

    And when I’ve had way too much to drink, I feel exactly the same way, kiddo.

One SINGLE trip to the bathroom with my kid

    ME: Let’s go try to use the potty.

    HOLDEN: I don’t have to.

    ME: Let’s just try. You haven’t gone since you woke up.

    HOLDEN: No, I don’t have to.

    ME: Well, I’m going now, so let’s try.

    HOLDEN: Only if you carry me.

    ME: Fine.

    (I just didn’t feel like dealing, so I carried him in. Yeah, I know you’re probably thinking he’s going to grow up to be an entitled asshole because I carried him to the bathroom one time.)

    HOLDEN: I want the big stall.

    ME: It’s taken. Here’s one that’s open.

    HOLDEN: I want the big one.

    ME: Fine.

    (Again, I don’t feel like arguing, so we wait a minute and it opens up.)

    HOLDEN: What’s this? What’s this? What’s this? What’s this?

    ME: Ewww, Holden, nooo, that’s gross, that’s where people throw their, uhhh, stuff. Don’t touch that! Don’t touch that!!!! I said DON’T TOUCH THATTTTT!

    HOLDEN: I’m touching ittttt.

    (Grrrrr.)

    ME: Do you want to stand up or sit down?

    HOLDEN:

    ME: Do you want to stand up or sit down?

    HOLDEN:

    ME: Fine, I’ll go first.

    HOLDEN: (as soon as I’m sitting on the potty) NOOOOOO, I WANTED TO GO FIRST!!!!

    ME: Then you should have gone.

    HOLDEN: (trying to push me off) Wahhhhhhh, get off!!!

    ME: Holden, stop it right now. I’m done. Stand up or sit down?

    HOLDEN:

    ME: Fine, here.

    HOLDEN: NOOOOO, I WANTED TO SIT!!!

    ME: Arrrghh, fine.

    (As soon as he’s sitting, Niagara Falls pours out of him.)

    ME: I thought you didn’t have to go.

    HOLDEN: Do you hear that?

    ME: Yes.

    HOLDEN: I’m pooooping.

    ME: Awesome.

    (Like four minutes later, which doesn’t really sound like that long, but go ahead and count out 240 seconds and then imagine doing that while you’re standing in a public restroom with nothing to do but watch the bulging purple vein on your rugrat’s forehead.)

    ME: Are you done yet?

    HOLDEN: No.

    ME: Now are you done?

    HOLDEN: No.

    ME: NOW are you done?

    HOLDEN: Do you smell that?

    ME: Yes.

    HOLDEN: Is it stinky?

    ME: Yes.

    HOLDEN: I’m done.

    ME: Thank God. Bend over.

    HOLDEN: No, I don’t need to wipe.

    ME: You do need to wipe. You pooped.

    HOLDEN: No, I didn’t poop.

    ME: Yes, you did.

    HOLDEN: NO, I DIDDDDDN’T!!!

    ME: Look, there it is.

    HOLDEN: There’s two. One. Two.

    ME: Yes, now bend over.

    HOLDEN: That one looks like a crocodile.

    ME: Totally. Now bend over.

    (He puts his forehead on the bathroom floor. Awesome. Can you catch any diseases through your forehead? I unlock the door.)

    HOLDEN: I WANTED TO UNLOCK IT!!

    ME: Okay, unlock it.

    (I relock it and wait while he tries to unlock it, but he can’t figure it out.)

    ME: Do you want my help?

    HOLDEN: No.

    (Insert the Jeopardy music here.)

    ME: Can I help you, buddy?

    HOLDEN: No.

    ME: Here, lemme help.

    (Thank God he lets me this time and doesn’t pitch a fit.)

    ME: Time to wash our hands.

    HOLDEN: I don’t have to.

    ME: Yes, you do.

    HOLDEN: No, I didn’t touch anything.

    ME: Yes, you did. And we always wash our hands after going potty.

    HOLDEN: No.

    ME: Yes.

    HOLDEN: No.

    ME: They will not let you leave this bathroom until you wash your hands. It’s a rule.

    (I don’t know who the F “they” are, but he