Free I Want My Epidural Back by Karen Alpert

she’s making a face like she can hardly take it anymore, but she finishes and looks satisfied.
    And all the green beans lived happily ever after. Chewed up and slowly turning into poop. Except for Holden’s. He took a bite of one (poor amputee green bean), but the other two were dumped into the trash can where they were sad forever and ever. Not really. Really they high-fived each other and had a big party because they avoided getting eaten, but don’t tell my kids that.
    The End.

    HOLDEN: Mommy, do you want some penis?

    I was about to say, “Ummm, no thank you,” until I turned around and saw him holding the jar of peanuts from the pantry. Phew.

    ME: Yes, please.

Conversations I’ve had with my picky eaters

    ME: Do you want oatmeal, cereal, eggs, or a bagel?

    HOLDEN: I don’t know. Give me choices.
    â€¢

    ZOEY: How many bites do I have to eat to get dessert?

    ME: 2,927,103. I’m assuming they’re each gonna be the size of an atom.
    â€¢

    ZOEY: Aggghhh, get it off, GET IT OFF!!!!!!! Hurry!!!!!! GET IT OFFFFF!!!

    ME: Umm, excuse me, waitress, but can you remove the pickle from her plate?
    â€¢

    ME: Muhahahahaha, I put spinach in your smoothie and you have no idea!!! But alas, I cannot brag about it or you’ll never fall for it again. Sigh.

    HOLDEN: Nooooo, you peeled it too much!!!

    ME: No, I didn’t, buddy. Look.

    And I take out the tape measure and show him that the banana is 8 inches long and I peeled it to exactly 4 inches, precisely halfway, just the way he likes it.
    â€¢

    ZOEY: It’s not fair!!! Holden got more bread than me!!!!

    ME: Yeah, but you got a hole in your bread and he didn’t.

    HOLDEN: Wahhh, I want a hole in my bread!! It’s not fair!!!
    â€¢

    ZOEY: Mommm, this milk tastes like cow udders.

    ME: Ewwww, I can’t even begin to imagine what cow udders taste like. Wait, yes, I can, and Zoey Lila Alpert, you are NOT allowed to think about that until you are much, much older.

Allllllllll the things my kids won’t eat, even if they are literally starving to death

    A bun if there are poppy seeds on it

    Pasta if there is green shit on top

    Hot dogs if there are lines on it from the grill

    A bagel if it’s toasted

    A bagel if it’s too cold

    Any apple except for a Honeycrisp apple

    Any apple if I accidentally leave a tiny piece of the peel on it

    The stupid little carrots and celery in a can of chicken noodle soup

    Any constructed food item—cheese and crackers, tacos, s’mores, they all have to be deconstructed

    Fruit if it’s green

    The entire banana if there’s a brown spot on it anywhere

    The outside of the ravioli (so, yes, I peel that shit off)

    Anything on their plate if there’s one thing on their plate they don’t like

    A pea if it’s wrinkly

    A carrot if it’s been cut in half

    Food they like that’s touching any food they don’t like, like even though Zoey loves cantaloupe, she won’t eat it if it’s in a fruit salad touching honeydew

    Guacamole if you can tell it was made with avocado

    Marinara sauce if there are tomatoes in it (hmmm)

    Chicken nuggets that aren’t shaped like Mickey Mouse

    Grilled cheese made with fancy cheese

    Mac and cheese made with fancy cheese

    Mac and cheese if there are bread crumbs on top (which means I have to eat the bread crumbs off, yayyy!)

    A smoothie if they can detect any ingredient in it

    Hot dogs without ketchup

    French fries without ketchup

    Chicken nuggets without ketchup

    Their entire bowl of cereal if there’s one of those little burnt pieces in there

    Bread with crust on it

    Seedless watermelon if there are any seeds in it

    Applesauce that’s in a bowl even though they’ll happily suck it out of a pouch

    Tater tots (which officially makes them insane)

    Bacon if it’s not crispy enough

    Bacon if it’s too burnt

    Square pizza slices without a handle