Free Soon by Charlotte Grimshaw Page A

don’t see why I should go down.’ She went to the window. ‘Look at the moon.’
    He followed her onto the balcony. She said, ‘I was thinking. You didn’t tell me why you had an affair with someone so unlike you, so unsuitable. You could have had an affair in your own circle.’
    Because I was in love with you. Because you can only do so much looking before you have to go and burn it off.
    â€˜I don’t know,’ he said.
    â€˜Oh go on, I want to know.’
    He said, reluctant, ‘I was depressed, and she offered me comfort, and we became friends. I wanted some uncomplicated love and warmth. And then after I’d recovered myself, I didn’t need her any more.’
    â€˜You used her and threw her aside.’
    He said steadily, ‘Yeah. I took the comfort she offered me. I recovered myself. And after that the mere thought of her became repugnant and shameful.’
    Roza raised her chin. ‘Are you showing me how cold and hard you are, or are you flagellating yourself?’
    â€˜I’m just answering your questions.’
    â€˜I think you feel guilty.’
    He shrugged. ‘She was twenty-eight and quite tough. She could look after herself.’
    â€˜Didn’t you get uncomplicated love and warmth from Karen?’
    He said sharply, ‘Am I allowed to ask about you and David?’
    She smiled. ‘You could try.’
    â€˜Karen and I were going through a bad patch. I was head of obstetrics at the hospital, under pressure, a heavy workload, constant night shifts. I was in a state of depression and . . . you know, she said to me, “We’re friends.” She was a good friend; she was very direct, straightforward, kind. I was touched. Grateful.’
    â€˜You do feel guilty.’
    â€˜No. It was grotesque. You know what you said, you hate the thing that brought you low and the people you met while you were down there.’
    â€˜What if she turned up now?’
    â€˜I don’t know where she is or what her circumstances are, which means I have no idea whether to expect to see her or not.’
    Roza yawned. ‘Ah, you’ll never see her again.’
    â€˜I didn’t tell you . . .’ He paused, debating whether to go on. ‘When I said she disappeared, I meant she actually disappeared, from her work, her house, everything. I got the idea something bad might have happened to her.’
    â€˜Why?’
    â€˜Because she vanished suddenly, after I’d told her I couldn’t see her any more. No one at her work knew where she’d gone. Her house was just empty one day, with stuff left behind. I was glad she was gone. But at the same time I thought, if something bad’s happened, then people might start looking for her.’
    â€˜And then they might find you.’
    â€˜Exactly.’
    â€˜But you’ve done nothing wrong.’
    â€˜Nothing wrong! What about cheating on my wife?’
    â€˜Oh well, there’s that.’ She was thoughtful now, studying his expression. ‘You must have looked for her, to know she was gone.’
    â€˜I went back one more time.’
    â€˜Why?’
    â€˜I felt sorry for her.’
    â€˜You could try to find out where she is.’
    â€˜The last thing I want to do is findher.’
    â€˜But do you think it might be a good idea to try? So you’re sort of forewarned?’
    â€˜No. I don’t think so.’
    He still couldn’t bring himself to mention the phone call from the stranger.
    Roza said, ‘There are some things in my past — I suppose this might be so with lots of people — where I don’t know what really happened. I was in such a hurry to move on and change my life that there are quite a few lost threads. Not knowing and not finding out is part of moving on. But still, you think about it sometimes; there are these narratives that were cut off, questions you’ll never