Free Lost for You by BJ Harvey Page A

When I hear the front door close behind him, I lose control of my emotions and burst into tears.
    The tightness in my chest moves up my throat, and I’m too weak to fight the panic attack that starts taking hold of my body.
    What the hell is going on? How has everything come crashing down around me, again?
    I let myself crumble to the floor; let the panic take hold of me. I know it will pass, it always does. And I’ll be alone, again. Alone and numb.

 

    Elle and I have been staring at each other for a while now. She stares down at me from her front window, her arms wrapped around her chest like she’s trying to protect herself. She’s putting up those walls again, and I’m kicking myself that I caused it. I can see her mouth moving; she’s obviously talking to Shay. She seems calm, but keeps shaking her head. I hope he’s telling her whatever the hell she wants to know.
    I absolutely hate myself for lying to her, for deceiving her during our whole relationship. The secret phone calls, the mock appointments, the excuses about needing to go to the library and meet with professors; every lie has been slowly tearing me up on the inside.
    She had a nightmare tonight because of me, because of what I told her, and now she’s hurting because of me and my web of deceit.
    All of a sudden she disappears from sight and moments later I see Shay storming out of the building towards me.
    “What’s going on?” I ask as I meet him on the sidewalk.
    “She wanted answers. I tried to give them to her, but she’s hurting, man. She’s well and truly broken now, and I hate that we’ve done this to her.” He stares at the ground, shaking his head in disgust.
    “I’m going up there,” I say, rushing past him as I stride towards the building door.
    “Brax?” Shay calls out to me. I look back at him. “Tell her everything, the whole truth. She needs to hear it if she’s ever going to get over this. If you guys are going to get over this.”
    “I’ve been ripped apart. I’m an open fucking book now. She can ask me any damn thing she likes, and I’ll tell her straight.” I’m kicking myself for not staying and explaining myself. “I’m not going to lose her over this.”
    “Go do whatever you have to. Beg, plead, get down on your bloody knees, I don’t fucking care. Just fix this. That girl is broken and is heading for a breakdown. Get up there!” He shouts the last word, spurring me into action.
    I take the stairs two at a time, not able to move quick enough to get back to my girl. I’m nervous as all hell that she’ll turn me away if she’ll even come to the door. My heart is in my throat when I reach the front door. Our front door. I’m warring within myself on how to approach this. Do I go in all guns blazing and make her listen to me? Or do I just let her ask me questions when she is ready?
    Before I have time to even consider what to do, I’m knocking on the door, waiting for Elle to answer. A minute goes by, and I’m still standing outside. It’s only been ten minutes, so there is no way she can be asleep. Shay said she was a mess when he left, so I’m not going to stand here doing nothing when I know she’s inside, needing me. Pulling my keys out of my pocket, I open the door.
    Walking in, I can’t see Elle in the living room, so I slowly make my way through the kitchen, stopping when I find the bedroom door closed. Elle hates sleeping with the door closed; it is something that she is really particular about.
    “Elle?” I call out, hoping she’ll answer me, yell at me, at least give me some indication she is okay.
    “Darlin’?” I inch the bedroom door open to see our bed still unmade. The memory of making love to Elle only a few hours ago in that bed is still so fresh. Her crying out my name as we came together is something that never fails to blow my mind, and something I always remember.
    I hear water running in the bathroom, and my resolve breaks the moment I hear her sobbing from the